Going down

I am really struggling right now.  Every day lately seems to bring bitterness and disappointment. Yes, even I, the 13+ year veteran of infertility survival still gets down. And I am down right now. It takes all I have to hold it together lately.

We found out yesterday that the kids visits with mom will be increasing starting next week. They're talking 4 to 8 hours, some overnights, all unsupervised with the occasional pop-in of a caseworker to make sure all is okay. Yep, they're preparing to send the boys home to mama. Not sure when it will happen. Probably not at the August 18th hearing but probably sometime in the next 90 days. Looks like I'll be having some very sad holidays.

And last night I found out my uncle, my mom's oldest brother, has prostate cancer. The latest biopsy shows that it is the aggressive type. Please send up some prayers for him. They plan on removing his prostate and we hope and pray that the cancer hasn't already spread. He's just 63 and newly retired. His son-in-law just returned from 1 year in Afghanistan and we were all so excited for him to come home safe. Now, we all have this to deal with.

And today the first text I get from my hubby is to tell me his newly wed coworker is pregnant. That's what I want to read the minute I get out of bed. A pregnancy announcement. I am bracing myself for the deluge of announcements that will be following. The announcements always come in packs. Like wolves.

So this is where I sit on a beautiful Friday morning. Trying to go about my life like all is normal but knowing that things are going to change any day and not in a good way. I don't think my husband will want to foster again. And, he hasn't enjoyed parenting these boys. Adoption is up in the air now. I am at the edge of a precipice not knowing which way I will fall. Backwards or forwards. On solid ground or into the unknown canyon below. I've had a taste of parenting and I know I want to be a mother. I am good at it. My hubby is good at it. I just wish he wanted to do it.

Vacation!

I am posting this from our annual vacation spot up north! I've been awake since 6, hubby since 4. It's so hard to get off the work schedule. I'm sitting in bed with my netbook and a cup of coffee. E is outside sitting by a fire and my boys are still sleeping. We enjoy this silence because it is so short lived!

We arrived on Wednesday afternoon, late, and we are having a blast. Right now we have 4 campsites. Us, my cousin and his two boys and two sets of my aunts and uncles and their kids. Another aunt and uncle and cousin are arriving today and my parents are coming tomorrow. My only single uncle is coming too at some point but we're not sure when. Just 7 campsites this year compared to 10 or 11 previous years. We'll still have a great time even with some missing.

The kids have been pretty good; just a few spats and spouts here and there. Yesterday my cousin and aunt and uncle and hubby went shopping in a bigger town about 25 minutes away. I stayed at the campground with 7 kids ages 13 and under. Wowza, yep I'm awesome. I really only saw 4 of the kids, my two and my two girl cousins. The boys were playing video games and kept to themselves. I fed the 4 I had lunch and then we colored and blew bubbles. After the adults came back we took all the kids to the pool. D started swimming a little bit underwater! He amazes me so often. Then, we were walking back to our campsite (it's probably a 1/4 mile or so) and D started to run. He ran almost  the entire distance! I think we may have a track or cross country runner in our midst!

Last night we walked to the camp store for ice cream. The boys had push pops for the first time ever. I wish I could post pictures of those two because their messy faces were hilarious! Today we are taking our boats out for a day on the water. This is the only day where all of us will fit in the two boats. Once the others arrive we'll do just little rides taking turns on the lake.

We had some pretty deep conversation around the fire last night. My cousin smokes and we were giving him a bit of the hard time about it. We talked about how bad smoking is all around. He knows this but he's so darn stubborn! We also talked about his kids and how he should be protecting them from all that he can including watching their father die from cancer. This coming from me, the only one in our group who has watched a loved one, my dad, die from smoking induced cancer. Then the conversation turned to abortion and I was shocked to find out my aunts are prochoice. Oh. My. Gosh. I about fell out of my chair. My one aunt is an RN and she gets her perspective from the medical side of things. Women with illnesses, rape victims, disabled children, yada yada, yada, a woman should choose whether she wants to give birth. My other aunt feels the same way but for different reasons, reasons she really couldn't give support to other than that she doesn't want anyone telling her what to do, period. My smoker cousin and I were on the same side for this one agreeing that at the moment of conception there is a person. A human. A soul. It was a bit heated for a bit but we all came away as friends and family and agreeing to disagree. Additionally, my RN aunt conceived her boys through IVF (even though she and my uncle are both Catholic) and I didn't even go there because things were heated enough for a time. I do wonder if she had any frozen embryos left over.

As it stands we all agreed we are fairly intelligent people who are ignorant in our own ways who have much to learn about many things. Clear as mud, right? I love my family and wouldn't trade any of them away. My aunt came over to me and told me how much she loves me and said she'd give anything for me to be able to experience being pregnant and parenthood without all the BS I've been through. Even being prochoice she's sweet and considerate to me.

Cripes, this is a ridiculous amount of rambling about nothing. Maybe I can think up a much more coherent post later on in the vacation!

Please pray!

I am not sure if this has made national news or not as I don't have time to watch but this is what is going on in my neck of the woods: http://abcnews.go.com/US/baby-kate-missing-frantic-search-michigan-infant-believed/story?id=13971626 and http://www.mlive.com/news/muskegon/index.ssf/2011/07/post_128.html.

Please pray for this baby. I have put off posting this because I had hoped she would be home quickly but days are passing with no tangible leads. This has rocked our little community.