Happy New Year?

Here is my update! Thanks for all your prayers and support. I would have posted sooner but I just woke up from a nap.

Nothing has changed. Temp is still one degree higher than it should be if this was really my period. I haven't tested. I'm riding it out. I've had post peak temps for 17 days now. This from the girl with a 10 day luteal phase. It's in God's hands.

Hubby spent 2 hours in ER last night. He has multiple itises (I love saying that). He has bronchitis, pharyngitis and tonsillitis, despite the fact his tonsils were removed when he was 7. The doctor said his tonsils have grown back. I'm serious. I didn't know they could grow back and neither did E but evidently they can! He is on an antibiotic and a prescription cough medicine. He couldn't sleep in bed last night and he tried to nap with me today and started coughing as soon as he laid down.

We were planning on going to our town's big New Year's Eve celebration tonight but that is out. We just don't feel up to it and he really can't be out. It's not cold here, 50 and raining right now, which is really weird for Michigan this time of year, but still. Our town has a huge party called Light up the Lake. We have a ball drop, a beer tent, live entertainment on the streets and fireworks set off on a rooftop downtown. It looks so cool. It's only the second year they've done it and it is going to be huge this year. Tomorrow there is a 5K run which E was going to do and they had to cancel the world records snow angel challenge because all our snow has melted.

My boss's brother, John, is still in the hospital. They did several tests yesterday, including a spinal tap and an MRI, but they have no diagnosis yet. He didn't have any more seizures last night or this morning. He's been telling the nurses that he has plans for New Year's Eve and that he just had to be released. He even made his mom come get him some money from the credit union just in case but we all doubt he'll be going anywhere today. The poor guy, he's so cute and funny. I'm sure he's scared. I know I would be!

That's all really, no changes. Hubby feels poopy, I feel poopy, and John wants to get home for the party.

Please, every one have fun tonight but stay safe! Kiss your loved ones at Midnight! I know I will if I can stay awake that long;)

What is going on????

Thank you for your prayers. I appreciate them so very much.

I just got home from an awful day at work. My temp is still up. The bleeding has slowed. Dare I hope? All I can do is put this in God's hands. Thy will be done...

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This morning my boss's younger brother was found in the parking lot of his work unconscious near his truck. He was taken by ambulance to our local hospital and then transferred by ambulance to a bigger hospital south of here. He has had a total of 5 seizures today, 2 of them coming after they started anti-seizure medication. He had had several tests today and they scheduled a brain scan for tomorrow. This is so scary!

Late today the power went out at work. If you've ever worked in a financial institution you know how bad it sucks to loose power.

And to top it all off my hubby was going straight from work to the ER. He is so sick but he had to work because they were so short handed. I am praying he does not have pneumonia.

2010 just had to go out with a bang, didn't it?

Damn this uterus!

Seriously, damn this uterus of mine! I was late, temp was up and staying up. I bought tests last night. I started bleeding last night. I didn't test. Temp is still up. I'm still bleeding. I'm thinking we miscarried again. I cannot bring myself to test and confirm my suspicions. I guess I'd rather not know.

Advent Prayer Buddy reveal

This Advent Season I had the great pleasure of praying for a fellow blogger who has been doubly blessed. I was assigned Brit from Small Things with Great Love! Brit and her husband welcomed their precious twin boys, Elijah Peter and Michael Todd, on Monday December 13th. Brit, I will continue to pray for you and your baby boys. It must be oh-so-new and exciting and exhausting as well! I will also continue to pray for your brother for his safety and success while serving our country. You should be receiving a little something in the mail soon. I pray you'll have a few minutes a day to enjoy it! God bless.

Whatcha been doing?

Me? What have I been doing? Nothing exciting enough to write about, that's for sure!

We've had one family Christmas get-together, the one with my BIL's family last weekend. It was a great weekend. I took a vacation day Friday and we headed down in the late morning. We hung out with our SIL until my BIL got out of work and then we went out to dinner where my SIL offered to be a surrogate for us. I know. Screech! Stop the record. Yes, she sincerely offered to surrogate for us. And, she offered her eggs if mine aren't viable. Do you know how hard it was for me to tell her we can't do it? Do you know how tempting it was to say yes, forget what the Catholic Church believes? Of course I said no and it was one of the hardest noes ever. And they think it is ridiculous, the reasons why I had to say no. They attend a reformed church, which is fine, but they cannot believe that I am saying no to life. I could not make them understand the church's teachings on assisted reproduction. I probably never will be able to. I believe my call is to bring light to children who have had a dark childhood, not to bring another baby into the world.

Saturday my MIL and SIL and I attended the Prin.cess Dia.na exhibit at the art museum downtown. It was a very nice exhibit and her dresses are stunning but it was a very sad thing all the same. Such a bright life she was and she did so much good with her work but we all saw how easy it was for her to fall into sin. I left with a terrible headache and all I wanted to do after was lay down, which I did.

Saturday night after the kids went to bed the 6 of us adults sat around with the TV off and just talked and laughed. It was a very enjoyable evening.

Sunday we went to church with them and I do enjoy their services. Their worship music is amazing and I was brought to tears several times while rejoicing musically in the birth of Christ. The sermon was wonderful and hopeful while reinforcing our new birth when being a follower of Christ. After the service they had the children's Christmas program. My nieces did a wonderful job! G, age 5, sang her heart out and we could hear every word from her mouth. E, age 3, did a wonderful job with all the motions that went along with the songs and although she did not remember all the words she sang along as much as she could. Little L, age 1, was having his own party in the nursery and missed the whole show.

We headed home mid-afternoon and then chilled at home the rest of the day. We worked all week and E is working the whole weekend. We're doing Christmas with my family Christmas Day in the evening after E gets out of work. That's about it!

It'll be a quiet weekend, that's for sure, but this quiet time allows me to reflect. Reflect on where we have been, where we are now and where we'll be soon. I am amazed at all that God has given me, both material and immaterial. I am amazed to think and dream about all that is to come. The birth of Christ gives us hope and that is something that all of us need so much of.

Merry Christmas to you all and I pray that God blesses you in the coming year in ways that you can not imagine!


***Thank you for your prayers for my friend K. She had 3 vertebrae removed from her neck and replaced with cadaver vertebrae. They also removed numerous bone spurs. Despite her surgery being very long and arduous she went home late the next day and is doing remarkably well. Please pray with me that she continues to heal and is 100% in no time.

****I'll reveal my prayer buddy sometime over the weekend. She has been truly blessed this Advent season but I cannot take any of the credit for it. The Lord was blessing her long before she became my prayer buddy! I cannot wait to see who prayed for me!

My friend K

Would you all say a quick little prayer for my friend K? She is having her spinal surgery today. The world needs her to be whole so she can continue the good work she does for the less fortunate. She needs to be whole because she feels she cannot do her work in the physical state she is in.

God, I pray that K's surgery today is a smashing success and she'll be up and at 'em again in no time! Give her the strength and courage she needs to get through the surgery and heal so she can get back to organizing and inspiring and directing others to help the less fortunate in Haiti and Africa. She is an amazing woman, Lord, and only you know what she is truly capable of accomplishing. I know she can do great things through the gifts you have given her. Please guide the surgical team today to do the best they can for this wondering and inspiring woman. In Your name I pray, Amen!

What to do, what to do

What a week! A promotion at work that I never expected. Then my boss tells me that I'll be getting an office after the first of the year. SSShhhhh...It's a big secret but some MAJOR changes are coming down the pike!! Then, a job offer from my chiropractor!

Doc said the job is mine if I want it. He has a girl leaving in about seven weeks when her baby is born. It would be 4 days a week and less pay but I would be just a few minutes from my home and the school our kids will be attending. I would have an hour lunch, no weekends, evenings or holidays. Currently, I have a 10 minute drive to work, no weekends, evenings or holidays and I work 5 days a week.

It's no secret that I haven't been totally thrilled with my employer over the last year. My boss' attitude has improved dramatically over the past few weeks and she is actually telling people now she is preparing to have 3 of us off back to back to back this winter and into spring. I think she's come to accept the fact that I will be a mother soon come hell or high water!

I'm so thankful to have such a great job. I never went to college and I have a position that people go to college to get a degree for. A senior loan officer. I've been there 12 years and make a great living. Yay for me. But, it's not all about the money. I love what I do. I love lending. I love helping people use credit responsibly. I love teaching people how to improve their financial situation. If if could be a lender and a financial planner in one profession I would be in Heaven.

Decision, decisions....I don't have long to decide. He wants me to start ASAP if I want the job. I am leaning towards staying at the credit union but I have to pray hard to see if that is where God wants me.

Good news for a change

I got a promotion! I got a promotion!!

I have been at my credit union for 12 years this past July 1st. I was made a secondary (bottom floor) loan officer almost 7 years ago near my 30th birthday. I've been a regular (middle floor) loan officer for almost 5 years. I was made a senior loan officer yesterday!! YAY!! I can approve (and deny) big loans now! Most of my work (approvals & denials) have been going in my boss' minutes for a long time since the majority of the loans I worked up were outside my parameters. Not anymore!! My minutes will finally reflect all the work I do and how little my boss actually does with loans.

E asked if I got a raise. Nope. An office. Nope. I will still be processing loans on the teller line between member transactions and only using the office to prepare documents and do closings. That is a bummer but oh well. I still have a job.

This morning E came in the bathroom when I was getting ready for work. He was playing with my grey hairs. He said they came with the senior loan officer position. I love that man. I think I need to celebrate with some highlights, don't you??

Okay?

This will be real quick as I am still processing. Birth mom got back together with her abusive boyfriend and they have decided to parent. Okay.

Another case worker has chosen us for 2 children, a boy and girl, ages 8 and 5. Suddenly their foster parents have decided to consider adopting. They would like to keep the children through the holidays and decide after the first of the year. Okay.

My case worker promised me today she will keep looking for a match for us. And she made me promise I will never let anyone say adoption is easy in front of me and not correct them. She understands our pain. She knows this journey has been so hard on us. And, she knows we're not giving up. Okay? Okay!

Can't even believe it!

She called my cell and I missed her call! I can't have my cell on at work and wouldn't you know it, that's the number she called. I got the voicemail when I left work at 6. E was home all day, I have an extension at work and my blasted case worker called my cell. I sent her an e-mail tonight but I doubt we'll hear anything before Monday. Blast!

The answer

First, thank you! For your prayers, for your support! I feel like the old lady on this infertility block. 12 years I've been riding this roller coaster and I thought I would get off this ride when we were approve to adopt. Not so, and how I hate roller coasters! I thought I would handle this better than I did yesterday. I've got experience! Thankfully days like yesterday are few and far between.

The answer to yesterday's meltdown came this morning. My temp plummeted a whole degree. Yep, hormone crash. I'm at the tail end of a 23 day cycle with a 9 day luteal phase. That's right, 23 days. That means I'll end another cycle right around Christmas. Great, 2 hormone crashes this month and a holiday I get to spend alone to boot!(More on that later!) I so miss the 30 day cycles I had while taking Clom.id. So very much.

I seem to be dropping off a day every month on my cycle. I'll be 37 in January so by my math I should be bleeding all month long by the time I'm 38! Not really, but that's how it feels. Maybe I'll hit menopause early? One can only hope!!

Have a blessed day! I know I will, I'm going to make myself!

Party pooper

I had a party this morning. Not a big one, just myself in attendance. I suspect the devil tried to enter, too, but I locked the door and wouldn't let him in. It was a pity party. A huge, slobbery, snotty pitty party.

Just yesterday I was telling an older couple I was doing a closing for that I was fine. I was being patient and trusting God in this whole process. I told them adoption was God's plan A all along and I just didn't know it. I told them how smooth the whole process has been and that we expect to be matched at any day. I was shining, radiant in my faith. I have wonderful family and terrific friends who are all praying for us and for our future children. I was totally trusting God in his plan for us.

Well, minutes after I got out of bed this morning, the other shoe fell. It started with an e-mail from Birthmom's mother, a coworker of E's, with a link to a list of children in the US waiting for adoption. My mind went into overdrive. If she was sending us that link, it meant her daughter has decided. She decided not to put her baby up for adoption. Or, maybe she didn't choose us. Why wouldn't she choose us? Birthmom was meeting with her CW yesterday and my CW said we should hear something shortly after. Then, my mind went into hyper-drive and it turned into an all-out panic attack. We'll never be parents. What will we do? How will we live? Why is God doing this to us? If we're not going to be parents, what are we supposed to be doing?????

It took a few minutes and half a dozen tissues but I manages to reel it in. I turned on my favorite Christian music station and took a breath. I kicked the devil out off my block and brought Christ back into the picture. I realized the stress of work, the upcoming childless Christmas, the prospect of spending an entire weekend with at my BIL's with their three wonderful children, the ever growing pregnant bellies at work, the endless wait and weeks of hearing nothing on any child.....it's getting to me. I think we should go away for Christmas....just the 2 of us.

I HAVE TO TRUST GOD!!!!I am struggling. And so help me, if my coworker stands next to be rubbing her belly today, I am afraid I will loose it! God, give me strength not to loose it in front of the 2 pregnant bellies today!!!! Oh man, and it's only Wednesday.......