Update on the disaster

Here is what has happened since my last post:

I had left my brother and SIL's house at a little after 7pm on Wednesday. I wrote my last post at a little past 8pm. At that time my brother and SIL were going to continue marriage counseling and my brother was going to seek therapy as well. What changed in 2 1/2 hours, I don't know but B called at 9:30 to say that my SIL was leaving. She was packing a few things for her and her daughter and going to stay at her parents. I was floored. I asked B to try and he said he could not. What the heck????? How can they go from "we'll try" to "there's no hope" in a couple of hours? I just don't get it.

My SIL called me Thursday morning as I was heading into work. At that time she was going to retain a lawyer. I talked her down from that. I asked her to give him a few days, give my mom and I a chance to try to talk to him.

My brother called Thursday night. He seemed just fine. He was relaxed and calm and spoke rationally. He said he just could not live with his wife.

Back and forth I have talked to both of them. Yesterday morning my brother said he has not felt so good in almost four years. He said she was driving him crazy and Wednesday night he definitely sounded crazy. But to not even try? My SIL has a daughter from a previous relationship who my whole family has accepted as my brother's own. She is, for all intents and purposes, our niece. And she feels the same about us. She cried on her grandma's shoulder Wednesday night about loosing all of us. She asked my brother why he does not love them any more. He told her he loved them both but he could not live with her mother any more. I lost it when her grandma told me that.

What a disaster!! I am praying for a positive outcome but I just don't see how it's possible. I told my niece she'll always be my niece. I told my SIL she'll always be my sister. I hate the thought of them not being in my life!


On a positive note, my hubby and I look at each other and ask how we got so lucky. We love each other to death. We are each other's best friends. We can spend hours and hours together and still not run out of things to talk about. How lucky am I? We've had our challenges, mostly health issues for me, but nothing has ever rocked our relationship. I pray nothing ever will.

He's my brother

I am going through a heart-wrenching time right now. A couple very, very close to me are going through some major difficulties in their marriage. Since none of my family knows about this blog I might as well fess up. It is my brother, the brother I raised and guided and led through his teen years, his twenties and now into his thirties. I am at a loss as to what to do. I really think there is something seriously wrong with him mentally. My SIL asked me to come up tonight and talk with them. I sat there with the two of them at their dining room table and listened to them talk about their problems. I don't know how to help.

Lately my brother has not been my brother. He talked tonight of how unhappy he is. How he constantly thinks about death. How he thinks terrible things. How he wakes up in the night and sees nothing but blackness. I am thinking he may be bipolar. They started marriage counseling Monday night but I really think he needs more help. He talked about how he has never been happy and is never satisfied with what he has in life. I am seriously scared for my brother's life. I cannot think, I cannot function. I am sure this post is a rambling jumble of thoughts. As I was leaving I asked my brother not to give up. To try the counseling, to see a psychiatrist. If they suggested a medication, to please, please try. I don't think he will. I am afraid he will just walk away from his life.

I am praying to God for an answer. For a way to help him. I am going to be 36 on Friday. I have lost my dad, my grandpa, my baby and this is the most helpless I have ever felt in my life. Please, God, help my brother. Please help him find the light, find some peace, find you. Guide him through this time. Please don't do it for me or his wife or his daughter or step-daughter. Please help by brother.

Ignore Ignorance?

I am still a little irritated. I am trying to remember that everyone is wired differently and different things matter to people. I am counting my blessings and counting to 10 whenever I think about it.

Yesterday I asked my husband to ask his co-workers if they had any old sheets for making bandages for Haiti. Our goal is 2 tons shipped by St. Valentine's Day. One of his co-workers response to my request set.... me.... off. His response was "when I had straight line winds at my house did Haiti send me help to clean up? No! When 9/11 happened, did Haiti send help?" When my husband told me that, I blew! Maybe Haiti did not send help because they have no help to give! They are the poorest country in the western hemisphere. That is not the fault of the Haitian people!! They need stuff! My old sheets and towels are such a small sacrifice and they will make a huge difference to people with serious injuries. They will need bandages for a long, long time. I get worked up about this because I wear my heart on my sleeve. My friend asked for help and I will help. That's how I am. Tell me when and where and I'll be there to help, come hell or high water.

Now, I know there are a lot of Americans that need help, too. We give to many local organizations. We give money and time and supplies to our women's shelter, to the homeless youth center (we have 2, the need is that great), and to several local food banks. We give to the local pregnancy center. I could go on and on with all the small things we do on a daily basis to help a local organization. My Grampa always told me charity starts at home. But that same co-worker that is saying the Haitians did not come to help him clear and restore his $500,000.00 piece of property and home when the straight-line wind storm hit 12 years ago has told me no on more than one fund or supply raising occasion. Whatever. I'll pray for his eyes to be opened and see the needs greater than his own.

Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!


Now, I'm moving on. It's out in the open and out of my head. I promise to be over it. Thanks for letting me vent!


I am spending the day doing laundry, cleaning and then rolling bandages. I am skipping church this morning but not by choice. Our roads here are treacherous! Freezing rain on top of snow pack=no way I'm leaving the house. I need more yarn to tie my bandages but I don't think I'll even go after that. I should have gone to church and the store last night but I was so wrapped up in rolling bandages I lost track of the time. My hubby had pulled in the drive-way before I realized I hadn't turned on the soup. Chicken, corn and cheddar soup. Luckily, it was a quick soup and I had prepped all my ingredients during the day.

My awesome hubby, Big E, is on a diet and exercise program. Now, my guy is 6'4" and I have never seen him below 250. Even in high school he was over 6' and wrestled heavy-weight and was a tackle in football. His goal weight is 225. Yikes! What will be left of him! His wrists are bigger than my ankles! His skeleton probably weighs 200lbs! Seriously, though, I am glad. He's counting calories and working out and he's weighing in weekly and he is doing well. I am watching what I eat, too, although I only need to loose about 5 lbs or so. I do need to exercise more. I am on my feet all day, every day and it wears we out. I don't feel like doing cardio after working all day.

Well, I better run. I have 3 more sheets to tear and then I'll start my vacuuming. Between to dog hair and the loose threats my dining room floor is a mess. Have a great Sunday and a good week. I will try to not let the ignorance of others affect what I can do to comfort others in God's world.

Misc.

Grrrr......I woke up at 3 am with a headache. I was able to go back to sleep but when the alarm went off at 6:15 the headache was still there. I am medicating with coffee and sinus meds. I dislike mornings that start like this.

I starting collecting sheets yesterday to make into bandages for Haiti. We're calling it our Rip 'Em Up campaign. My friend, K, plans on shipping a ton of bandages, towels and wash clothes to Haiti by St. Valentine's Day. It turns out that K will have to wait a bit longer to go to Haiti herself. Not exactly sure why but she is very disappointed.

I took my last Clomid for this cycle last night. I have this cycle and the next to get PG and if I don't, well, I'm not sure what to do next. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I'm off, big day today! Well, not really, but it is Thursday, one day closer to the weekend!

A good day.....

I haven't given up yet.

After a two month hiatus from my meds I am back in the saddle again. I have taken three clomid doses and refilled my progesterone. I don't think it will work but why not try? I only have one more refill on the clomid and then my doctor will be done with me. Isn't that great. She writes two scripts, orders blood work a couple of times and then sends me packing. And she advertises that she helps with fertility issues. Whatever.....

We have been talking more openly about adoption. I have been on board the adoption train for many years but my hubby, Big E, has not. Since he has seen a few positive adoption experiences coming from the blogging community in the last few months he is coming to realize adoption may be a good thing for us to do. My friend's mom, K, is still telling us Haiti would be a great country to adopt from. We shall see.....

K is getting ready to leave for Haiti with some of the local Red Cross chapter next week. She'll be going to our church's school and orphanage to see what is what there. Our church has had no word yet on the extent of the damage. Right now we are busy collecting towels and sheets to be used as bandages. Time to clean out the linen cupboards! We will be sending the linens to Haiti via International Aid.

Well, I suppose I better head off to work. Looks like the sun might shine today here in Western Michigan! Today will be a good day!

Port au Prince

I am hurting from the horrible earthquake in Haiti. Our church helps support the School of the Infant Jesus and the Provincial House orphanage in Port au Prince, Haiti. I am pained thinking of the devastation to those children. I have never been on a mission to the school and orphanage but many from our church have including my best friends mother. She had spoke many times to us about possibly adopting from Haiti. She herself has wanted to bring children home from her trips to visit the school and orphanage. The time just hasn't been right for us. When will it be? If we had adopted from Haiti one less child would have died yesterday. The devastation is beyond any scope of my imagination. The darkness, the fear, the cries to be rescued and then the silence. I cannot fathom their loss, their pain both physical and mental. My heart truely goes out to all affected by this disaster and my prayers go to heaven. Now, I need to do more. Now is the time.

Well, shoot....

Darn it.





I think tomorrow will be CD1.




That bites.



I was so hoping I'd get a BFP for my birthday.......

My Two Sons

What glorious sunshine we are having this weekend! Two whole days of sunshine has given me so much energy. Yesterday I finally had the chance to take down the Christmas things. I had two three day weekends in a row but I had so much going on I barely had time to do a little vacuuming. This weekend my DH is working so it's just me and the boys cleaning things up! Living in an 80 year old house with forced air heat and having 2 yellow labs means I need to vacuum every day. Not that I do vacuum every day but I should. I have thought about getting a robovac. Clean while I'm at work, right?

Here are a couple of photos of my boys:

My Maximo

My Buddy Boo Bear

Those were taken on two separate camping trips in 2007 and 2008. They basically look the same today except Buddy doesn't have the funky left eye. He was recovering from a bee sting when that photo was taken. We got Buddy at 8 weeks old back in 2005. We got him right after I miscarried, before my precious Grampa passed away and before my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed away. Buddy and I have been through a lot together and he has never left my side during it all. I remember sitting on the kitchen floor when I got the call about Grampa. Buddy was right there with me, licking my tears away with his little puppy tongue. He gave me joy at that moment, reminding me Grampa was now in heaven with Jesus and my grandma and all his siblings and his death should be a celebration of a full life. Four months later when Dad was diagnosed with small-cell carcinoma I spend a lot of time away from home. I went to my dad's every day after work and wouldn't get home until late. Buddy was always waiting at the door when I walked in. Always waiting for a snuggle while I cried over my father's suffering. My father's illness was short compared to most. The cancer took him in just over three months.

Max came to us in 2007. He and Buddy are brothers from the same litter. Max's owners split up and he went back to the breeders who are friends of ours. They asked if we would be willing to take him and after meeting him we said yes. Max was abused and neglected. He has some real issues we have had to work on over the years. Even at four years old he still eats stuff. He is such a counter surfer! I have started setting mouse traps to train him to quit snooping on the kitchen counter. Last week, before I started setting the traps, he ate the cover off a cookbook. He'll eat anything. But in all other ways he has improved so much and I have to say he is a pretty good dog. I love both my boys and I don't know what I'd do without them.

Well, I'm off. I've already scrubbed my bathroom, changed the bedding, done several loads of laundry and written this post but there is still much to do today. Like plop in the recliner and sew on the embroidered baby quilt top I am making. So far I am not making for anyone but it is fun to do. I am past the point where it hurts to make baby things. Have a beautiful Sunday, everyone!

Getting older

I am nearing the end of this cycle's two week wait. Or, maybe I'm not! I took a break from the ovulation monitor, clomid and progesterone this month. I did continue to chart my temps, though. So far I have had no spotting and my bb's are tender but different than they have ever been before. The months I was on progesterone they were too sore to even touch. Now they are just tender and very sensitive. I have felt pretty good but I have not been sleeping great. I am good for about four hours but then I get really restless. I have had some very strange dreams as well. I am just praying that this is the month!!!! Please God, if it is your will, let this be our month to conceive! Let 2010 be the year we become parents! I am going to be 36 in three weeks. My hubby will be 38 in seven weeks. If it is ever going to happen it has to be soon. Otherwise we'll be too darn old!

In the Hands of God

It's a new year and I'm not sure where I'm at. Eleven years is a long time to keep this fight up and I'm not sure I have it in me anymore. The procedures and charting and testing and meds - I think it's just too much for me. I'm not giving up but I am putting this all in God's hand. Blood work says there is nothing wrong hormonally. The HSG shows my tubes are clear. My cycles are normal. Clomid didn't help a bit. DH's second SA came back just fine. I won't do IUI or IVF. There is really nothing left for me to do but pray. I put this completely in God's hands. If we are meant to have a baby, he'll make it so.

It's winter here in the great north and I think that has me down. We took a drive yesterday about 1 1/2 hours south and the sun was shining there. Where I live we got 15 inches of snow in 2 days. It's been so gray and cold. I am hoping we'll get a little break from the cold temps and the wind so I can get back to walking after work. Wind chills of zero or below are no fun to walk in.

I know I'll snap out of this funk that I'm in. It's just the after holiday blahs and the winter doldrums. Maybe it's the impending birthday. 36 this year. Getting old and set in my ways. Maybe God knows I'm not meant to be a mother. He doesn't answer all our prayers. He knows what is best and I'll just roll with the tide.