Once a month and bad news on the sperm front

I seem to be turning in to a once a month or worse blogger. It's not that I don't want to write, it's just that I don't have the energy when I get home from work to set down and put my thoughts out there. My mind is at the races all day long, 5 days a week and, quite frankly, I am exhausted! I wonder if I would have the energy for a child if I was so blessed as to get pregnant.

I have decided I am putting way too much thought into my posts therefore the task becomes daunting. My posts will be short and sweet and written journal style. Maybe I'll be more apt to post regularly.

We found out Monday that we have some male-factor issues in addition to my endometriosis. This came as a shock to us. My DH was tested years ago and there were no issues with his sperm. Suddenly, he has low motility and inflammation. My ob/gyn suggested that he go to a urologist. He went Thursday to the new doctor that is with his family doc and the new doctor was very encouraging. He believes there are things we can do to improve the motility without going to a urologist. The first thing DH needs to do is loose some weight. The docs words, not mine. He needs to eat better, more fruits and veggies, and exercise more. I also ordered and already received a vitamin supplement for male fertility issues. It is supposed to help make more and better quality sperm. We're doing another SA on Monday and we'll see what those results are. Maybe it was just a flook. My husband has had epiditimitus a few times and maybe he had a flare up at that time.

In other news, my monitor did not detect ovulation this month even though I am taking Clomid. Hmmmm. I did appear to have a thermal shift, however. It could be that the surge was either very light or happened so quickly the monitor could not pick it up. Whatever. With male factors we were unaware of, what does it matter? I am not even taking progesterone this cycle. I am feeling very cynical about this entire cycle. Depending on the results of the SA next week I may skip a cycle or two of clomid. I am on cycle day 21, post peak 5 or 6. I had some strange, up and back down temps so the shift is quite ambiguous. Not sure when it happened.

Well, that's it for now. Not much else going on. Same old story......

One week down, one to go!

I am 8 dpo today. I hate the 2 week wait. Actually, this month I hope for a 2 week wait. Even 12 days will be an improvement on my luteal phase. I did my first round of Clomid this cycle trying to lengthen my LP. It did delay ovulation by about 5 days making me ovulate on day 17. It really screwed up my fertility monitor, though. My monitor normally has me start testing on day 5 so I had used 10 sticks before I even went peak. Then I had to use another 10 sticks because the monitor doesn't test is batches smaller that 10. I could have stopped after I ovulated but then I would have had an uneven number of sticks and who wants that? My OCD just wouldn't allow that!

I am experiencing some strange things this month. I don't know if it is due to the Clomid or if I am having a really good cycle and this is how I should be. I have had really sore boobs since 5 dpo and I had a terrible time sleeping several nights this past week. I also have a terribly stuffed up nose. I am peeing an awful lot, too. The sore boobs could be from the progesterone. I started taking that on cycle day 18, or 1 dpo. The sleeplessness could have been from the stuffy nose. It's been one night on, one night off for a decent nights sleep. I can't explain the peeing unless again the progesterone is making me retain water but I don't feel bloated. Just plain weird. They could be very early pregnancy symptoms but I am really trying to not get my hopes up. Been through this too many times.

HSG and SA Results!!!

I got back the official results yesterday of my HSG and DH's SA. My tubes were all clear and his sperm are very good. DR G called in a script for Clomid and I will start that next cycle. The best news was that my insurance covered the Clomid. Yay! My script is for 5 months but I am really hoping I won't need it all that time. I have heard of women getting pregnant immediately after their HSG. Maybe we'll finally have some luck! I am p+6 today so we'll know in just over a week.

And It Begins Again....

I went to see Dr G. for the first time on Monday and she has made me cautiously optimistic. She immediately ordered an HSG to check my tubes and I did that test on Friday. My tubes are perfectly clear. YAY!!! Our next step is a SA for my hubby and blood work for me. Then next cycle I will start Clomid. Since I have been feeling so good Dr G. feels that my infertility is not due to the endo but rather a case of unexplained infertility. Lovely. She is Catholic and understands my feelings about ART and knows flat out I will not do it. She appears to be willing to try anything and everything she can do to help us get pregnant. The bad thing is, the very first test she ordered, my insurance will not pay for. I asked that they bill it anyway just to see. Hopefully they will at least cover the PG test and maybe some of the radiology fees. I am hoping they will cover my drugs but I am not holding my breath. I really don't want to go into debt to treat my infertility when we really should be setting money aside in the event we do adopt. DH mentioned adoption on Monday after my DR visit. My new doc is a major proponent of adoption. She adopted her only child at the age of 40 after years of unexplained infertility. Her son is now 21. I have heard that she has helped to place many a newborn from this county into local homes of couples wanting to adopt. It would be so nice to be able to adopt locally and avoid all the agency BS that goes with adoption. We started down that road a few years ago and it was a nightmare. My heart cannot handle any more nightmares.

Life and Poker Runs

I know it has been MONTHS since I have written but I have been so busy trying to enjoy life rather than wallow in my barrenness. Times have been tough but I find other things to do! Camping and family gatherings and playing with my boys and housecleaning and organizing...you get the picture. Anything to keep from thinking about my uterus. Don't get me wrong, I have had to give it some thought! We are keeping up the baby dance like newlyweds and I am charting my temps and CM. I have started taking progesterone for 10 days a cycle post ovulation. Funny thing about the progesterone; it makes me sooooo drunk! I take it at bedtime and within 20 minutes or so the room is spinning and I am slurring my words! I sleep the sleep of the dead!

I had an appointment with Dr. G at the beginning of June but her office had to postpone because Doc was in surgery. I go on vacation in July then she's on vacation in July; I can't get in until August! What good is this going to do me? I want blood work, clomid, HCG, something to help this along! I hope I don't have to wait for months for all of my appointments! I am on the cancellation list but so far, no call!

Today I am going to have some fun! My brother and his wife have a 1975 Jeep. Super fun vehicle. They are going on a poker run today and they are taking me with them! My DH and I had talked about taking the motorcycle but he is working today so he can't go. They still want their old, barren sister to go so I am going as the third wheel. That is pretty cool. My brother and his wife, my sister of only one year, are my best friends. They each have 10 year old daughters from previous relationships and the girls are only three days apart. The girls are as different as night and day but they are the best of friends. My brother's daughter lives outside of Memphis, TN and is only here for 6 weeks or so in the summer. Her mother is a major uncooperative shrew! Too bad for my brother! He gets to deal with her! I am the auntie to loves to spoil the nieces.

Time to run. They are picking me up at 11 and promise to have me home by 5 so I can prepare dinner for my DH. He works so hard and his job pretty much sucks. I haven't mentioned what he does...I'll save that for the next post, which I hope will be soon. I am going to try to get better at this posting thing! TATA for now!

Just one, please

We spent last evening with some good friends and their 3 month old baby. The husband half of this couple had cancer as a child and they were never sure he would be able to father a child. They became pregnant 6 months after their wedding. Isn't it funny how God works. They were sure they would not be able to get pregnant and 13 years ago I had no clue how much I would struggle. The natural order of things has been turned upside down for me. I hoped to have 3 children by now. Now I am begging God for just one.

My SIL is pregnant with her third. This is a couple that thinks about having a baby and they're pregnant almost instantly. She is a wonderful person and mother and I think she deserves the big family she craves. But do I? I like to think so. I try to be a good person. I try to be kind to others around me, even strangers. I talk to God all day long. I pray for myself and others. I thank Him for who and what I have in my life. I thank him for the strength he has given me. He has given me incredible strength otherwise I would have just stayed in bed many a morning. This morning is one of those mornings.

No one shall be barren in your land.....

I received an e-mail the other day that caught my attention. The e-mail itself was good; something you forward to friends to remind them that Christ is in everyone and strangers should be treated justly so. It was the verse at the bottom of the e-mail that really stopped me and made me think. It was from the book of Exodus. "So you shall serve the Lord your God, and he will bless your bread and water. And I will take sickness away from the midst of you. No one shall suffer miscarriage or be barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days."

Hmmmm......No one shall suffer miscarriage or be barren in your land. Is this the answer to all of my questions through the years? Am I not serving the Lord enough? Are my days not fulfilled by Him? These thoughts keep going through my head. What am I doing wrong so as to not deserve to be blessed with a child?

This is doubly difficult to bear because in our large extended family everyone has children. We are the only married couple on my hubby's side that does not have a child. Granted, one cousin has adopted, but they all have at least one child. Where does that put us? Unable to relate but wanting to so badly. Unable to commiserate but trying so hard. On my side of the family I have two cousins close to my age who are unable to carry a child. Their infertility is "undetermined". My younger cousin has had two miscarriages, one at almost five months. My heart breaks for her. The other cousin has adopted two children and is now scared that she will get pregnant at 37. I am wanting to adopt but my hubby is not there yet. He is still holding out for the chance at raising his own biological child. I, on the other hand, want to bring home every seemingly neglected child I see in life and on adoption sites. Kind of like the dog that is in the paper every week needing a home. I would bring them home, too, if we had the room! I am a nurturer, a giver. I would love to stay home and raise children and dogs. Will I be given the chance? I would like the chance. For now, I have my husband, my dogs and my job. They make me happy but I am not quite fulfilled.....

A New Beginning

I have told my story so many times, I wonder if is it worth telling again. So far, the story does not change.



We were married on a beautiful October day in 1996 by my hubby's great-uncle, Monsignor Ted. We had the traditional Catholic ceremony with lots of wonderful music and beautiful voices rising together to praise God and bless the happy couple. We vowed in front of God, Monsignor Ted and our families and friends to lovingly accept children and raise them according to God's will. At the time I did not realise God's will may not be for us to raise children. After 12 1/2 years of marriage it is still just us two and the labs. God's will is a funny thing.



After two years of not really trying to conceive we decided to really get to work. We tried for three years before I asked my doctor for help. I was young. I was naive. It took me months to build up the nerve and knowledge to be able to question my care. She put me on progesterone and clomid. I developed huge cysts on both of my ovaries so she took me off the clomid. We decided to do a lap in January of 2002 to make sure my tubes were open. My doctor discovered the unexpected. Weeks away from my 28th birthday she discover I had stage IV endometriosis. The cysts she thought were caused by the clomid were actually due to the endo blanketing my ovaries. Well, she cleaned me up and sent me on my way. Tried on our own for a few months. No progesterone, no clomid, no blood work. Just a temp chart and robitussen. I moved on to a new doctor whom I heard was a bit more aggressive. We did a 2nd lap in January of 2003 followed by three months of lupron injections. We were then, again, on our own. No progesterone, no clomid, no blood work. We tried and tried and in August of 2005 I fell pregnant. My hopes and dreams were dashed only days later when the bleeding began. My doctor did not order blood work, did not want to see me. Wanted to refer me to a specialists for ART. I was not going. I was done. Seven years on hoping, waiting, begging God for a baby had taken its toll. I was done.



Fast forward to 2009; I am starting again. Nothing much has changed. I started seeing a new doctor and we'll see where that takes me. I know I will not pursue ART. Not going to do it if the Pope does not approve. My cradle-catholic conscience will not allow it! I still believe in God's will but I also believe that begging, I mean praying, to God can have its rewards. I am also hoping my good friends, St Gianna and St Gerard will help convince God that I would be a wonderful mother and my hubby would be a terrific father. Do you thinks the saints can wear God down? Will he get tired of the begging and just say "fine! have it your way"? Time will tell, although I hope if does not take too much time. The battery is running low in this clock!