Self-Imposed Blog Fast

Yeah, I am still alive, girlies, and I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. I decided to focus on the boys while I had them so I didn't take the time to post and I barely had time to read. I doubt I have any readers left so this post is just for me and my possible die-hards.

My boys are gone. They left on December 7th. And guess what? My heart did not shatter into a thousand pieces as I thought it would. No Ma'am, it did not! It actually feels a lot bigger than it did 1 year ago. Huh. Who'd of thunk it. You let two little guys in and even after they are ripped out of your life you still feel like you can let more in. Well, it's true and I am here to testify!

Anyway, I decided to come back to life. I'll post more of what I've been up to but my FB followers already know. If I have any FB followers that is.

Speaking of followers....you know who has A LOT of FB followers? M!! And we've ALL been following her and Baby B's progress all along and they are KILLING ME!! I cannot wait for that baby to be born and I have never even met M but, I love her dearly. St Gianna, St Gerard...all the saints in Heaven...watch over M and Baby B. Please deliver that baby safely and soon...Amen!


P.S.
I forgot to mention what my hubby said about M having the baby. My dear man is a HUGE Lions fan, to a fault even. He follows them and is optimistic even in the worst of seasons. Anyway, he said if M didn't have the baby before next weekend the Lions whipping on the Packers would be sure to put her into labor. He said it, M, not me. BTW, he cannot wait to meet you and Mr B, hopefully next summer:)

Not meant to be...

I haven't posted in forever because, honestly, I don't have too much to say that I haven't already said. The boys are still with us for now. We have begun to transition them back to their mom and visit times have increased and will be increasing more in September. Since they will both be in school come Tuesday visits will be happening on the weekends and will start to include some overnights. The expected date to move them home is mid-November. Their mom is hoping we will still see the boys. She says we have become a huge part of their life and leaving us will be hard for them. Well, duh! She is such a twit. She's worrying about how hard it will be for them to leave us but she didn't worry much about them when she left them. In case it isn't clear, I don't think too much of their mom. She's been working with a parent trainer and she still doesn't know what she should feed them or to put sunscreen on them. Sorry, but I don't think you can fix stupid.

I am bitter and angry and feeling hopeless. Everybody wants to know how I am and how I feel about the boys leaving in 10 weeks or so. How will I handle it? I will fall apart. I will lay in my bed and cry and curse and be more angry and bitter than I am now.But then, what will I do? I will get up out of that bed and move on. I still have my husband and my dogs and my house and my job and my family. I will pack up everything I have bought for children and I will take it to Goodwill. And, that will be the end of that. Another chance to be a mother down the tubes. Guess it just wasn't meant to be...

Going down

I am really struggling right now.  Every day lately seems to bring bitterness and disappointment. Yes, even I, the 13+ year veteran of infertility survival still gets down. And I am down right now. It takes all I have to hold it together lately.

We found out yesterday that the kids visits with mom will be increasing starting next week. They're talking 4 to 8 hours, some overnights, all unsupervised with the occasional pop-in of a caseworker to make sure all is okay. Yep, they're preparing to send the boys home to mama. Not sure when it will happen. Probably not at the August 18th hearing but probably sometime in the next 90 days. Looks like I'll be having some very sad holidays.

And last night I found out my uncle, my mom's oldest brother, has prostate cancer. The latest biopsy shows that it is the aggressive type. Please send up some prayers for him. They plan on removing his prostate and we hope and pray that the cancer hasn't already spread. He's just 63 and newly retired. His son-in-law just returned from 1 year in Afghanistan and we were all so excited for him to come home safe. Now, we all have this to deal with.

And today the first text I get from my hubby is to tell me his newly wed coworker is pregnant. That's what I want to read the minute I get out of bed. A pregnancy announcement. I am bracing myself for the deluge of announcements that will be following. The announcements always come in packs. Like wolves.

So this is where I sit on a beautiful Friday morning. Trying to go about my life like all is normal but knowing that things are going to change any day and not in a good way. I don't think my husband will want to foster again. And, he hasn't enjoyed parenting these boys. Adoption is up in the air now. I am at the edge of a precipice not knowing which way I will fall. Backwards or forwards. On solid ground or into the unknown canyon below. I've had a taste of parenting and I know I want to be a mother. I am good at it. My hubby is good at it. I just wish he wanted to do it.

Vacation!

I am posting this from our annual vacation spot up north! I've been awake since 6, hubby since 4. It's so hard to get off the work schedule. I'm sitting in bed with my netbook and a cup of coffee. E is outside sitting by a fire and my boys are still sleeping. We enjoy this silence because it is so short lived!

We arrived on Wednesday afternoon, late, and we are having a blast. Right now we have 4 campsites. Us, my cousin and his two boys and two sets of my aunts and uncles and their kids. Another aunt and uncle and cousin are arriving today and my parents are coming tomorrow. My only single uncle is coming too at some point but we're not sure when. Just 7 campsites this year compared to 10 or 11 previous years. We'll still have a great time even with some missing.

The kids have been pretty good; just a few spats and spouts here and there. Yesterday my cousin and aunt and uncle and hubby went shopping in a bigger town about 25 minutes away. I stayed at the campground with 7 kids ages 13 and under. Wowza, yep I'm awesome. I really only saw 4 of the kids, my two and my two girl cousins. The boys were playing video games and kept to themselves. I fed the 4 I had lunch and then we colored and blew bubbles. After the adults came back we took all the kids to the pool. D started swimming a little bit underwater! He amazes me so often. Then, we were walking back to our campsite (it's probably a 1/4 mile or so) and D started to run. He ran almost  the entire distance! I think we may have a track or cross country runner in our midst!

Last night we walked to the camp store for ice cream. The boys had push pops for the first time ever. I wish I could post pictures of those two because their messy faces were hilarious! Today we are taking our boats out for a day on the water. This is the only day where all of us will fit in the two boats. Once the others arrive we'll do just little rides taking turns on the lake.

We had some pretty deep conversation around the fire last night. My cousin smokes and we were giving him a bit of the hard time about it. We talked about how bad smoking is all around. He knows this but he's so darn stubborn! We also talked about his kids and how he should be protecting them from all that he can including watching their father die from cancer. This coming from me, the only one in our group who has watched a loved one, my dad, die from smoking induced cancer. Then the conversation turned to abortion and I was shocked to find out my aunts are prochoice. Oh. My. Gosh. I about fell out of my chair. My one aunt is an RN and she gets her perspective from the medical side of things. Women with illnesses, rape victims, disabled children, yada yada, yada, a woman should choose whether she wants to give birth. My other aunt feels the same way but for different reasons, reasons she really couldn't give support to other than that she doesn't want anyone telling her what to do, period. My smoker cousin and I were on the same side for this one agreeing that at the moment of conception there is a person. A human. A soul. It was a bit heated for a bit but we all came away as friends and family and agreeing to disagree. Additionally, my RN aunt conceived her boys through IVF (even though she and my uncle are both Catholic) and I didn't even go there because things were heated enough for a time. I do wonder if she had any frozen embryos left over.

As it stands we all agreed we are fairly intelligent people who are ignorant in our own ways who have much to learn about many things. Clear as mud, right? I love my family and wouldn't trade any of them away. My aunt came over to me and told me how much she loves me and said she'd give anything for me to be able to experience being pregnant and parenthood without all the BS I've been through. Even being prochoice she's sweet and considerate to me.

Cripes, this is a ridiculous amount of rambling about nothing. Maybe I can think up a much more coherent post later on in the vacation!

Please pray!

I am not sure if this has made national news or not as I don't have time to watch but this is what is going on in my neck of the woods: http://abcnews.go.com/US/baby-kate-missing-frantic-search-michigan-infant-believed/story?id=13971626 and http://www.mlive.com/news/muskegon/index.ssf/2011/07/post_128.html.

Please pray for this baby. I have put off posting this because I had hoped she would be home quickly but days are passing with no tangible leads. This has rocked our little community.

A different kind of waiting

C's dad was denied custody. The FOC wants to wait and see what happens with Mom's next hearing in August. So, they'll both be with us for 2 more months at least! This waiting so resembles TTC! We just live in 60 to 90 day time frames rather than 2 week ones.

I'll be okay....

I seriously have only 5 minutes or so so I'll make this short and sweet. C's dad has a custody hearing tomorrow (Thursday) at 4pm with Friend of the Court. If he wins, C will be leaving us. I have mixed emotions. In my mind I have known that these boys most likely won't become available for adoption. I have kept myself somewhat detached. There were several times, times that were rough, where I thought to myself that I couldn't wait until they leave. I think it's been a defense mechanism or something. Then there are times, times when my heart takes over, when I think I want them to stay forever. I have to remind myself that they are not my children and they most likely never will be.

Family, friends, acquaintances - they all ask if I'll be okay if the boys leave. Yes, I will be okay. God has seen to it that I am always okay. I won't ever be the same, but I'll be okay. I'll let you know how things turn out tomorrow. It may not be for a few days because I may be packing up a little boy to move on. Say a prayer for him, that whatever happens is what is best for him. Only God knows and I hope he shares his wisdom with a certain judge tomorrow.

Having a rough go of it

Our family is having a rough go of it lately and we could use your prayers.

I found out Wednesday night that my step-dad has a mass on his left kidney. He wasn't feeling good up camping last weekend, sore throat and such, but he thought it was just a cold. On Tuesday he was running a fever of almost 103. My mom finally got him to go to the ER Tuesday night and it was there that she found out he hadn't been able to urinate on and off since Sunday. He wasn't too worried about it since sometimes some foods and drinks enlarge his prostate. (He's almost 61 and evidently men get these issues?) Usually he just has to stop eating or drinking whatever it is and everything goes normal again. His sore throat and fever ended up being strep throat but the doctor was worried about the peeing issue so he ordered a cat scan. That is when they found the mass. They are scheduling a high resolution cat scan that should show whether the mass is cysts or a tumor. We are all praying for cysts.

This man has been in my life my whole life. He and my dad were best friends right up until my parents divorced. Then my mom married him. They have been married for almost 25 years. He is now my dad. I was so lucky to have two dads who would do anything for us. This man never tried to take the place of my dad, he was just there right when we needed him. I hope he still will be for a long time to come.

The other issues, which I haven't had time to write about, are with four of my mom's eight brothers. The first uncle to have a health issue almost died a few weeks ago. His heart completely stopped at work and if the guy that he was working with hadn't had previous heart trouble and hadn't known what to do he would be dead. He ended up needing a pacemaker/defibrillator and he is doing great now.

The second uncle has had prostrate trouble for years (it runs in the family). He went in for a procedure to cauterize the prostate and the doctor ended up piercing his bladder. He needs to use a catheter for the foreseeable future. Then he ended up with an E-Coli infection from the procedure and has been on IV antibiotic infusions for the last 10 days.

The third uncle, one who is very close to me in age and I am great friends with too, had neck surgery on Tuesday. He had disks that were ready to rupture so they removed the disks and replaced them with cadaver parts. I call him Cadaver-Dog now. Praise the Lord, he came home Wednesday and is doing great! He has some discomfort from the incision but no neck or nerve pain.

The uncle with the pierced bladder and another uncle need to have the same surgery that C-Dog just had. Bad necks and backs also run in the family.

Can you see why it's been so rough? The stuff going on with the boys and their mom are small beans compared to everything else. I feel like I should just spend an entire day on my knees in prayer and praise but I have way too many responsibilities. Instead, I find myself reaching up constantly and gripping the cross I wear with my St Gerard medal. The way things have gone if we just hold on to hope and faith and love and trust, it has all worked out okay. I hope that trend continues.

Guilty as charged

I only have a couple minutes so I want to quickly let you know how court went. Mom lost. She was found guilty on all the items in the petition. However, reunification is still the goal. They will schedule another hearing in about 90 days. They have also granted C's dad unsupervised visits once a week BUT he lives 4 hours away. We'll have to transport C half way. That means C will spend 8 hours in the car every weekend. That also means D will have to spend 8 hours in the car on the weekends my hubby works. I don't mind the driving but it sucks that we don't get mileage for these trips. I also hate that we'll be running so much. Mom will be getting a 2nd visit each week, possibly in her home. So that is 3 parent visits in 7 days, one an overnighter. 4 days of transporting. And we both work full time.

My hubby says enough is enough. He hates the system, hates how much of this is dumped on the foster parents. He hates the constant juggling.  The kids are horrible for 2 days after seeing their mom. Now we get to deal with it twice a week. He wants the kids moved, wants his life back. In a way I do too but I'm not sure how my life will go on with a hole in my heart.

No time on my hands

Seriously, I have no time! No time to write, no time to read. It's all boys, all the time! But, it is so worth it!

Just wanted to let you all know the trial was moved from May 26th to May 31st. Maybe. According to the kid's attorney, that may not happen. The saga continues.

We are going to camping for Memo.rial Weekend. I am so excited! Excited because E is taking the boys up on Thursday after D's preschool graduation and I am staying home until Friday. Home alone. And, I have Thursday off for graduation and to pack the camper. I'll be all alone from Thursday afternoon until I go to work Friday morning. What the heck am I going to do with myself? I should scrub floors but I will probably read blogs and go to bed early. Haha.

E's grandma passed away last Sunday and her funeral was Wednesday. She lived to the wonderful age of 86 years and 4 months. E is on bereavement leave until Wednesday and then he'll be on vacation until the following Tuesday. I am still working while he is off. Between the 2 of us we now have only 1 living grandparent. My Grandma B just turned 83 in April. She is slowing down considerably but is relatively good health.

On the job front, I had an interview on Tuesday! It is with a company that my uncle is VP of operations of. The position would be the plant operators assistant and doing a little HR and payroll things. I haven't heard anything yet but I felt the interview went well. I have the computer skills but I have zero manufacturing background. They package and ship calcium chloride nationwide for themselves and a couple of other companies. The plant operator and my uncle both said that even with a manufacturing background a person would still have to learn the business because it is a very unique business. I hope to hear something very soon. I had to do it all on the sly because I did not want my boss to get wind of anything.

Gosh, what else? Those of you on FB know my day to day stuff. It is never a dull moment around here but I don't want to change a thing. I love this life of mine even when I feel like running screaming from the house:)
Like right now when the two are screaming and fighting in the kitchen.

I am alive! (barely)

Yesterday was terrible, just terrible! And I am not being overly dramatic here. I cannot take drugs, they just mess me up! I haven't ate anything since Wednesday evening, did my prep all day Thursday and had my colonoscopy yesterday. Just now, at 6am Saturday morning, I kept some sprite and crackers down. I tell ya, those drugs messed me up!

The good news is that she didn't really find anything wrong. There is endo on my bowels, which I may need to get taken care of eventually, but nothing else. I had a lap in 2002 & 2003 where the doctor removed endo from my bowels but it has come back. My gyno will get the report from the internist and we'll go from there. I think if I need another surgery for the endo I'll just have a hysterectomy. Three surgeries for endo in 10 years is just too much. I'll try to keep my ovaries so I don't know completely menopausal but I cannot tolerate any more surgeries. I'll have to have it laproscopically since I can't take pain meds. I hate this! Why can't I just be normal?

The ambulatory staff was just awesome yesterday. It didn't hurt that my aunt was one of the RN's so I got awesome treatment. Extra blankets, rubbing my back while I puked, lunch for my MIL. They were wonderful!

I have to thank M for posting my prayer request! I felt it, girls, and I truly needed it! I'll post more when I'm feeling better.

This and that

I might actually be able to write a real post today since I have a total of 4 (yes that's a 4!) days off in a row!!Wowza! I took today off to prep for my colonoscopy tomorrow. Does that really count as 2 days off? Prep and procedure? I'll say yes because I have high hopes that it won't be a total wash.

I have had a couple sick boys. D has been sick for over a week with a cough and fever on and off and C started last Saturday with the same. It seemed like just a cold but because of their fevers we stayed home on Easter. E was working so it was just a quiet day with me and my boys. We were invited to my friend K's for brunch but I didn't want to expose her grand kids to anything my boys might have. We hung around the house and played with their Easter basket gifts and watched some cartoons and movies. Low-key, quiet day.

Monday I had to pick D up from school because he wouldn't stay awake. I took him to my MIL's and had to go back to work. E was guarding a jury trial so we couldn't take them to the doctor. After work E and I took them to the urgent care clinic at the hospital because they were still running fevers and C's cough was worse. They said D had the common cold but C had an ear infection. Again. So he got an antibiotic. D stayed home with my hubby on Tuesday but we sent him to school Wednesday. I get home last night and we had messages on the answering machine from the hospital's ER and from the doctor's office. The doctor's office wanted to know why we didn't take D in there since it wasn't an emergency situation and warned me that most likely the kids insurance won't pay a non-emergency visit. They didn't ask at all about C. Well, duh. Until doctor's offices are open 24 hours a day the clinic is the way we'll have to go! The message from the ER was asking us to call them. I called the ER (since they were open) and they said D had strep and the doctor was calling in a script. Huh. So it wasn't just the common cold. The rapid culture Monday night was negative but the other came back positive. I cannot wait to call the doctor's office today and tell that snooty nurse off. I am vindicated!

So I'll have both boys home until just after noon today. My MIL offered to watch them until E gets out of work so I won't be alone with them after the action starts. I have to take 4 Dulco.lax tablets at noon and then at 4 mix a 238g bottle of Myra.lax with 64oz of Gator.aid. I have to drink 8oz of the mix every 15 minutes until the mix is gone. I am obviously on a liquid diet all day today. I am enjoying one cup of coffee now and then I'll switch to clear liquids. Yee-haw. I have never done this before and the prep worries me. The scope itself feels like no big deal after two laps for endo. I know a lot of the ambulatory and surgical staff but I haven't met the doctor yet. I'll meet her tomorrow morning for the first time. Her hubby is my primary care physician, though.

It's almost 8 and the boys are still sleeping! They stayed up a little later last night since they didn't need to get up this morning. They are doing so good. They still see their mom once a week and C is supposed to see his dad every two weeks but he hasn't seen him in almost a month. D has only seen his dad once since they came to stay with us. The trial is still scheduled for May 25th and it sounds like whether Mom wins or looses they will still be able to go camping with us Memorial Weekend. I've been told that if they go back with Mom it is a gradual transition over a period of several weeks.

I have become quite attached to these two. They both can be quite challenging at times but when they test us I know they are testing our love and commitment along with our patience and tempers. Yesterday morning C was about unbearable. I wake them up at about 6:45 and I always wake them up with music and tickles on their cheeks. C always gets out of bed, turns on the light and then lays back down on the bed for me to get his jammies and diaper off. He wakes up smiling and laughing and talking.Yesterday he layed back down and pulled the blankets over his head. I knew I was in for it. He was so mad at me for everything I did. I put him on the potty (we're potty training) and he wouldn't look at me. He said he was mad at me. That's pretty funny coming from an almost 3 year old! Tried to get him dressed and he didn't like me. I could do nothing right. I got him dressed and then left him alone. He was fine by the time we left but it was a challenging hour or so!

I better run. I haven't written a long post in so long that I could just go on and on! I am excited for Prince William's wedding tomorrow! I only hope I am coherent enough to watch some of it!

Also, where is my Prayer Buddy? I haven't heard from you!

Prayer buddy reveal!

Better late than never, I guess!

I had the special blessing of getting to know a blogger new to me. I also had the special blessing of being able to pray for her big announcement before it was even announced on her blog! That's right, I prayer for Mary at The Screllos!

Mary, know that I will continue to pray for you and Ryan as your pregnancy progresses. I will also continue to pray for your father while he continues down the road to recovery. I'll have a little something out in the mail to you soon!

GOOD Friday

Good Friday is probably not the best day to write about this but I have about 20 minutes before I need to get the boys up and I am ready for work. 20 minutes to write is a HUGE block of time for me now.

Yesterday my boss and I finally had it out. The pressure had been building and building and yesterday I finally blew.

I had my annual GYN appt yesterday morning and I mention to the doctor some trouble I've been having digestively and rectally. You know where this is going. Yep, colonoscopy. So I get back to work and tell them everything looks fine gyno-wise but that she was calling the internist at my family doctor's practice to order a colonoscopy. The gyno's office calls back a bit later and says they have it scheduled. For next Friday. The last Friday of the month. And, they want me to take all day Thursday off to prep. I told her there was no way my boss would let me take two days off in a row at month end. She said the next available date would not be until the end of July and neither of the doctors suggest I wait that long. I said I'd talk to my boss.

My boss said just what I thought she'd say, NO! That's right, she denied me time off for a medical procedure that they do not suggest I wait 3 months for.  I told her fine, I would call and cancel and that she could call the office and set up something that she feels would work better and I walked out of her office. She got really mad and called me back into her office and that's when I lost it. I let her know everything that I have felt over the years, especially the last year during the adoption process.  She said feels like she has been supportive and treated me the same as the PG girls. She feels she actually gives me preferential treatment over the others. What?? Obviously, she doesn't remember ever telling me when I could and couldn't accept a placement and take time off. She doesn't remember telling me that E would have had to take daddy-leave if we had been picked for the baby that was due in February. She doesn't remember asking me after every caseworker phone call if the child was white, etc, etc.  Anyway, this went on for about 20 minutes and in the end we are still talking but I know it will never be the same. I feel bad. I feel like I am just way to sensitive a lot of the time and she feels she has done nothing wrong. She says she thinks of me as a daughter so I asked her what she would tell her own daughter if her doctor wanted her to have a colonoscopy immediately and her boss wouldn't let her. What would she tell her daughter? She said her daughter would have the colonoscopy. Okay then.

Well, I'm having mine next Friday but I think I'm only taking Thursday afternoon off to prep.

I had better run. My free time is up and the boys start their new day care today. Have a blessed Good Friday, everyone! I am in awe at the sacrifice Jesus made for me!

Trial date!

We finally have a trial date! Yay! It is a one day trial on May 25th starting at 9:30 am. The day before E and the boys would be heading up north for camping Memorial weekend. (I follow on Friday after work) This year I'll be packing our things a few days before as usual but then waiting for the verdict to know whether I'll be packing the boys to move out or go camping. I really don't think their mom will be found innocent but you never know. The evidence of neglect is quite overwhelming and everyone says the boys are thriving being out of her care but anything can happen.

I have to mention that the judge isn't granting C's dad custody yet. He needs to attend some counseling sessions and have a mental health evaluation. Seems he and his girlfriend broke up a few months ago and she kicked him out of her house. Because of the break-up he was homeless on top of being unemployed. He went to a shelter and sought help for depression. The judge was glad that he sought help but it was kept from the caseworker doing the home study and evaluation. The judge has concerns about the strength of the relationship and that if they split up again, C and his dad would both be homeless. Sounds like legitimate concerns to me!

We just got back from a 2 hour playing spree at the elementary school playground a few blocks from our house. The kids had a blast but I think my cheeks may be a little sunburned or windburned. Speaking of cheeks, my cousin gave me a pair of those shape-up shoes and my buns are kinda feeling it! I think those babies might really work. I'll know tomorrow when I'm walking funny, LOL!

We are interviewing a daycare Monday night. E's parents have been watching the boys but it is getting to be too much for my FIL. I love the man but he's a crotchety old Vietnam vet and is he very ornery lately. The boys love him and think he's funny but I can see his patience wearing thin. MIL would keep going, I think, but they are both retired and want their freedom again. I completely understand. They have given so much to these boys and they all adore each other. I am hoping at least one of the boys will be able to call them grandma and grandpa someday.

Other than that, everything here rolls on the same. My sinus infection cleared up just in time for the allergies to kick in! The boys and I are sneezing and itching eyes and it just warmed up this week. Tomorrow looks pretty rainy so that should help the pollen a bit.

Congrats for the new babies, blogger friends! I don't have time to link you all. You know who you are:) Prayers for you all still trying and trying to keep the faith. I still struggle with the why's and it's been 13 years now. I'll probably always ask why. Someday, the good Lord will tell me (I hope).

Yee-haw

Oh my word, yes I am still here! Alive but barely. Just came from the ER; have a nasty sinus thing and my doctor's office didn't return my call. I have an antibiotic thanks to a lovely ER doc who couldn't stand to see me suffer!

Things are still happening here. The boys are still with us. We have the last pre-trial coming up on the 31st. Their mom could plead guilty and then it wouldn't go to trial. It would just be up to the judge as to what would happen with the kids. If she takes it to trial it will be a few months yet before any decision is made at to her parental rights. Little C is most likely headed to his dad's soon. He has filed for custody and it looks as if it will be awarded to him. D will be staying with us as he has nowhere else to go. Now that he has settled in I love having him here. He has his moments (all kids do) but generally, he is a joy to behold!

The boys both ended up very, very sick. I stayed home with D that one day and the next day, Friday, he was 10 times worse. E took him to the doctor and it ended up being Influenza type A. He was so lethargic from the fever and feeling generally icky that he couldn't even get up to go potty. E ended up putting a diaper on him and bundling him up in blankets on the couch. By Sunday afternoon C was almost as bad. It is so hard to keep a 2 year old down though! He would lay down for awhile, get up to play and then start crying because he wanted to play but didn't feel good enough to play. It was a rough couple of weeks. E came down with it, too and I was slightly ill last weekend. This past Friday it moved into my sinuses. I dealt with it as long as I could until I got to the ER today.

That's it in a nutshell. E just called and said they were on their way home. The kids had their mommy visit tonight. She gave them slurpies and cotton candy and the boys were drinking their sister's Mountain Dew. Oh joy, oh rapture. They'll never sleep tonight. Yee-haw.

Home sweet home

I am home today with my boys. D is sick with a viral thing. At least I think it is viral. He is running a low-grade fever and has a cough but nothing else. He is sucking down the fluids but isn't hungry. His teacher said several kids have had the same thing this week.

I am home today because E is working and I didn't want to plop a sick little boy on my in-laws. Now, here is the part where I need you to pray for my soul. In order to take today off, I had to tell my boss that I was sick. She told me early in the game that my sick kiddos had to be watched my either my hubby or someone else and that I couldn't take time off for sick kids. Especially when our office was short staffed. One co-worker had her baby on the 1st and the other is being induced today. So yeah, our office is very short-staffed with only 4 people working today. I also missed a major loan meeting this morning. All I can say is oh, well! My boy needs me! Maybe my boss will actually get her butt out of her office and remember that she used to cover on the teller line when she was needed!


D is just feeling so poopy. He never just lays around. He got off the bus at my in-laws yesterday and headed straight for the couch. He barely touched his pretzels and cheese crackers and that is his favorite snack. My MIL knew something was wrong then! Last night he hardly ate any dinner because he was just so tired. I gave him some ibuprofen and cough medicine and put him in bed at 7. He slept good until about 2:30 and then he started coughing and asking for a drink of water. I gave him a drink, doctored him up again and he went right back to sleep. I gave him ibuprofen first thing this morning and he has perked up a bit. It's hard to keep a 4 year old down, especially when his 2 year old brother is feeling fine and full of energy!

So, pray for my soul for my white lie and pray that my little man feels better soon. Pray, too, that C doesn't get it!

My sacrifice

So today is Ash Wednesday. The beginning of the Lenten Season. As a child I was always in awe of the solemnity of Lent. The change in the liturgy and the music at Mass. The change is our household and in my grandparents household. The fasting, obstaining, sacrifice. It was always a time to reflect inward at the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross and also a time to give more of one's self as a sacrifice as well.

This year I am not giving up anything for Lent. I will fast and obstain and spend more time in prayer and reflection. I will give more of myself to my husband and to the children in my home. I am not giving anything up for Lent because in a few months time, maybe less, I will be giving a part of myself up. I will be making a sacrifice that I never, ever thought I would need to make.

The title of my blog is some how, some way, some day for a reason. I always thought that I would be a mother. I didn't see any other way to live my life. Well, I need to see my future differently now. I need to see that some how, some way, some day I can be happy without children.

When C and D leave this home to go back to their mother or to their fathers or to some other relation I will no longer be a mother. I will be a former foster parent. And some how, some way, life will go on. And that will be my sacrifice.

Ups and downs

Hallelujah, Lenten Prayer Buddies! I joked on JBTC's post that someone will strike pay dirt when I offer up my situation for them!

I had a major meltdown last night when Yogi was having a meltdown. I called Nate, our CW, and sobbed that I didn't think I could do it any more. Nate talked me down and assured me that Yogi would be getting the help he needs very, very soon.

Yogi is going to be evaluated by our local mental health agency next week. This boy has some serious issues and he is escalating quickly. This week we have been hit, punched, kicked, slapped and pinched. And, he tried to kick Buddy yesterday morning. Luckily, Buddy is fast and the blow didn't strike but I got between them real quick because I was afraid Buddy would lunge in defense. Nate was here Wednesday night and he took a bit of the physical abuse, too. I am so glad he was here to witness exactly what happens when Yogi doesn't get his way and freaks out on us. He assured us we are doing everything right but this child just completely looses touch with reality.

So far, Boo Boo is not exhibiting any of the same behaviors as his brother on his own. Unfortunately, it is "monkey see, monkey do". If he sees big brother acting out he starts to follow suite. We try to get Boo Boo away as quickly as possible until we can divert Yogi. Yesterday morning was such a struggle to get Yogi ready for school that Boo Boo was pretty much left to his own devices. He ate cold cereal in front of the TV while I fought for half an hour to get Yogi out of bed and dressed. I feel like I nag him all day long. Away from his brother, Yogi has been great. Together is when the trouble starts. The poor child is starved for attention and acts out wickedly to get it!

I told Nate that honestly he shouldn't feel bad if the boys do get separated. I think it would be good for Boo Boo to be away from Yogi. His influence is detrimental to Boo Boo.

I had better run. Yogi is sleeping like an angel but E and Boo Boo just got home from a parental visit. Boo Boo's dad made it to visitation but Yogi's couldn't get a ride so we hung out together. He didn't say a word about Boo Boo seeing his dad and him not. I'm sure it will manifest somehow over the weekend!

They're still with us

Oh my gosh you guys! Thank you so much for your prayers, your advice and your support! I am overwhelmed. I thought for sure you'd all abandon me since I hadn't posted in so long!

They boys are still with us. When I left for work yesterday morning I planned on calling our CW. That was where we were at. E sent me a text asking me what I wanted. I called and told him I wanted to keep the boys but I didn't want him to be miserable. I told him we would do whatever we needed to do to keep us both happy. He said he felt guilty and he didn't want to hurt me. I told him not to feel guilty and that we wouldn't even be in this boat if I had a functioning uterus! So if he didn't want to keep the boys, we'd be even. We'd move forward and live our lives. We were happy before the boys came and we would be fine in the end. He said to hold off calling the CW.

Yogi had a snow day yesterday and it was E's day off so he had both of the boys at home with him. E and Yogi made no-bake cookies together. Then they all went outside and the boys played while E worked in his garage. He didn't make them take naps and they watched Batman together. They all had a great day. Bedtime was awesome last night. Boo Boo was exhausted due to no nap so I put him in bed just before 7. Yogi stayed up watching the rest of Batman with E and went to bed fine at his usual bedtime of 7:30. Boo Boo was sound asleep by the time Yogi went to bed so there was no struggle. It was the perfect bedtime routine I had always dreamed of. I think we're figuring things out.

All in all the three of them had a great day. The visit with mom was cancelled for last night due to school being cancelled. The boys were bummed but they had such a good day with E it sort of made up for it.

I really think the issues E is having is a bonding thing. Maybe his heart is a little more guarded than mine. I keep saying I'll love them for as long as I can. I think he's thinking he'll love them when and if they get to stay.

Thank you again for all your prayers and well wishes. I don't know where this all will lead but I am feeling a lot better over all. E is switching crews at work, too, to get away from a stressful coworker. I keep praying that this will all work out the way God intends for it to.

Bad, very very bad

Sh!t. I don't usually swear but that is all I can think this morning. We had a rough evening last night. The rough times are coming so much more frequently now. The swearing is because my husband, in the midst of our third bedtime battle in a row, said he wants the boys moved. Out. of. our. house. He hates being a dad. He hates taking care of them.

I am crushed. Absolutely crushed. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. He said he deals with this crap all day long at work with the inmates and he can't do it at home too. He wants his life back. He wants "our" life back. He does not ask what I want. He wants the boys out of our house, his life and my life.

Oh my God. I have to call our caseworker this morning and ask that the boys be moved. I have to call our adoption case worker and tell her to forget it. The past 14 years of trying for a baby, trying to adopt, fostering, all of it has been an exercise in futility. My husband hates being a father. And all I ever wanted to be was a mother. Sh!t. Why? Why? Why me? Why him? Why US???

I have to respect his wishes. He's my husband. But does he have to respect mine? Do I sacrifice his happiness for mine? Does I sacrifice my happiness for his? I don't see a way to compromise this time.

I admit it has been a struggle. It hasn't been all cuddles and giggles. It's been screaming and kicking and hitting and fighting. It's been time-outs and discipline. But it has been fun, too. And the fun times have given me a glimpse of what our life would be. My husband has turned a blind eye to a future with children. A bright future.

It's funny. We were going to be setting up counseling for Yogi but now I think we'll be the ones needing it.

A lot to say, sorry!

Sorry this is so long! Not that I think any of you will be here to read it, LOL! I bet you've all given up on me!

I am still here, yes I am! Busy as can be and trying to stay sane! I miss having time to read and comment on your posts. I scan the blog roll to see what's up and sometimes I have time to read your posts. I didn't even know Sew went private until yesterday for cripes sakes!

We are still taking care of these boys. We had our first visit to ER in the middle of the night two weeks ago. Both of the boys had cold-like symptoms but no fever. We were doctoring them with toddler cold medicine, vicks, a humidifier and extra pillows. Little Boo Boo's cough and congestion kept getting worse and worse and on Wednesday night he was coughing and vomited up phlegm. Nice visual, I know, but that was enough! E loaded him in the truck and off to ER they went. Come to find out he had ear infection and bronchitis. Mother of the year, right here. I completely missed it but he had no complaints about his ear. And they had only been sick for a couple of days. E took Yogi to the doctor the next day and, sure enough, he had ear infection too. So they both had a round of antibiotics and are doing much better now.

They had their first visit with their dads three Fridays ago. It went good except for the fact one daddy brought gifts and the other did not. Of course, it was the little one, Boo Boo, that didn't get a gift. Try explaining that to a 2 year old. We ended up heading to the store the next day to get the exact same toy for Boo Boo.

They also had a visit with their mom last Monday. We had some regression from the eldest, Yogi, which I believe was due to that visit. Regression, as in he went to a place he has never been in the time he's been with us. As in wetting, open defiance, fighting to get him to bed at night, fighting to get him up in the morning, fighting at meals, getting in the car, getting on the school bus.....etc, etc. Yesterday he was in the time-out chair 4 times. 4 times! That is a new record for this house. I feel like all day is a constant battle. He hasn't been napping so we try to get them in bed at 7:30. Last night it was closer to eight because we watched a movie. He would not settle down. He gets physical now when he doesn't want to do something. Physical as in kicking and hitting. I wrested him into his pull-up and jammies. Couldn't get close enough to kiss him good night. Then he started kicking the mattress and saying he would not sleep. Rather than telling him to stop, which would never work, I grabbed my phone and sat on the floor reading my book and cheering him on. Telling him to kick harder, faster, don't stop! It lasted about 20 minutes and it wasn't as fun with me cheering him on. He said he didn't want to do it anymore and in 10 minutes he was asleep. Yelling doesn't work. Taking away toys and favorite cartoons doesn't work. I am figuring out little by little what does and doesn't work. It's all trial and error.

What bugs me the most in that little brother, who is a pretty good little boy, emulates big brother's behavior. When he sees big brother become belligerent, and believe me, a 4 year-old can be belligerent, he becomes belligerent. Last night he decided kicking the mattress and telling me he wouldn't go to sleep was fun, too. He only kicked for a couple of minutes but it got him wound up enough that he was awake until after nine. This is so much fun! Not. I got our foster training manual out this morning. It's actually a 3-inch binder. I am hoping I will find some practical advice to get us through these major bumps. I am also starting a notebook on both of the boys. I am going to journal every days activities. Keep track of everything and try to document a pattern. I should have done this from the start but I just didn't think of it. Everything happened so darn fast. I don't have time to do this journal but I have to make time. Even if it means staying up half an hour later at night.

They are now going to see Mom every Monday for 1 1/2 hours. They are going to see Dad every other Saturday for 4 hours. That will start next Saturday. They are going to see 2 of their siblings when they see Mom. We are trying to work out a visit time with their middle brother sometime but so far it hasn't happened. I know with each visit things will get worse. I am preparing for it. I am hoping after a few weeks of this visit schedule things will start to improve. That is what I am praying for.

This has been hard, so very hard. I knew it would be but I had no idea of the level of difficulty we would face. I am dealing with attitudes and behaviors I have never seen in my life. And that's just talking about the kids. Don't get me started on the mother and the 4 fathers. My life as I knew it is wiped off the map. I started this post on the 11th and here I am actually posting it over a week later.

I don't know where this placement is going. We had a prelim on Thursday and Mom has decided to take it to trial. I am not sure if it will be a bench trial or a full-jury trial. Either way, her rights could be terminated. We should find out this next week when the trial will be. The fathers are trying to get custody of the boys. I know Boo Boo's dad has had a home visit by the state's social worker. I am not sure about Yogi's dad. He was in a half-way house but was trying to find permanent housing. Our prosecutor does not want the boys with their dads. He prosecuted Boo-Boo's dad's case a few years ago and I think he is holding a bit of a grudge. He openly admits he doesn't have much use for either of the fathers.

So for now our lives, and the boys lives, are in limbo. I hate how the kids have to see their parents whether it will hurt them or not. It takes several days for us to gain back our footing and then they go for a visit and slip right down again. I am so wishing that I wasn't working or I could at least reduce my hours. I can't do that right now because of two pregnant girls. The one had her last day Friday. She's due on the 26th but she's dilated to 3 and I don't know what percentage effaced(sp). She'll be having that baby any day. The second girl is due March 10th but she plans on working right up until she goes into full-on labor. So I cannot leave my office in a lurch right now.

Sorry this is so long! Not that I think any of you will be here to read it, LOL! I bet you've all given up on me!

Happy Gram and Happy Birthday(s)

Whew, it is Saturday morning and I am hoping for a few minutes to catch my breath before the boys get up. They are off to the races the minute they sit up in bed! I make it sound like a bad thing but truly I love it!

We have had a really good week. D got a Happy Gram from school on Wednesday thanking him for using good manners at breakfast and lunch. It was his first Happy Gram from school this year. E copied it and took it to their mom for her to see. She was pleased. Thursday night when I got to my in-laws to pick up the boys my MIL said she had to talk to me. My heart sank, I thought it was something bad. She said when she went out to get D off the bus the driver wanted to talk to her. The driver told my MIL that D is a totally different boy. That he is talkative and engaging. Before he came to stay with us he was withdrawn and quiet. She said he is turning into a confident little boy and that he needs to stay with us. Huh...this came from his bus driver! I cannot wait to talk to his teacher! My MIL said she teared up talking to his driver. We all just adore these boys and want them to succeed in every possible way. They have been with us just 3 weeks. Can you imagine what they can become with positive role models and a strong family structure for the rest of their lives?

I talked to C's dad last night on the phone. We are doing 2 10 minute phone calls or 1 visit and 1 10 minute phone call weekly. C talks to his dad for about a minute and then E or I talk to him. His dad is filing a petition to get his son. He wants him with him really bad. I don't blame him a bit as C is a great little guy. Very busy and hungry little guy but very charming all the same. His dad sounds really nice and he sounds sincere. We talked about C's unending appetite which appears to be more emotional than physical and his lack of a bedtime or nap routine. His dad seems to have a pretty good grasp on these things. C was down there for a month before Thanksgiving and according to his dad it went really well. They are going to have a visit next Friday at one of the agency's offices mid-way between where we live and where his dad lives. A transporter or our CW will take C and possibly D to see their dads if D's dad can get it together.

D has not seen his dad since he was maybe 2. He turned 4 in October. So far dad does not seem real vocal about wanting his son. Not like C's dad is. It is sad, really. I would be moving heaven and earth for these kids and he cannot return calls for a week or more. I don't get it.

Well, I had better run. Today is my birthday I have to go bake my cake. D is allergic to eggs so I am baking an egg-free cake and decorating it myself. I let the boys pick my decorations and we are having a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse cake and party. This may be the only birthday they are here for so we want to make it a good one!

Oh, and on another note, the baby that we were hoping to adopt was born yesterday! He is a healthy little boy at 6lbs, 5oz and 21 1/2 inches long. His birthday is the day before mine!!

Still with us

E worked the weekend so I haven't had to time to finish this post I started Friday night. It was all boys, all day and night!

You've got to love our judicial system! For the prelim that was supposed to start at 2:15 on Friday the judge appeared at 2:45. Then he had to meet with the attorneys in his chambers for 20 minutes. Then they actually started the prelim. It lasted about 25 minutes. I was so glad my new phone has a kind.le app because I sat there and read until things got rolling.

The boys will be staying with us for a while longer. CPS is working on home studies for the fathers of the two boys we have. If things are okay the dads may be able to get custody. Or, maybe not. I was listening to the two of them talk to the CPS worker. My, what a couple of shady pasts! I was really upset when C's dad was talking to the prosecuting attorney about his previous "case" which was all a mistake, even though it involved a gun and shots being fired and him using his son as a shield. Yes, I can see where that could be a mistake and that he should be able to raise his child now. Right.....And D's father is in some sort of half-way house and the CPS worker said their is no way to do a home study in that situation. His minister (yes his minister who did not look like any mnister I have ever seen) piped up and said there is an apartment over the church that he could move into with his son. Great....enable him.

I may sound really negative but just by listening I know these guys are not fit parents. They boys are safe with us. Mom now knows who has her boys and she is happy they are with us. E took her a few pictures we have taken since they have been here and they show smiling, happy boys. Her termination trial will be taking place sometime in the next 90 days. We should have the boys with us at least until then. Maybe longer.

Seriously, I am not trying to take these boys away from their family. I am trying to keep them safe, happy and well adjustment little boys. I have seen amazing things from them in the last couple weeks and I would love to watch them grow up and become productive members of our society. I am afraid their family can not do that as they themselves are not productive members of our society. They are going to be horrible examples to these boys. I have seen some negative behaviors that are obviously learned somewhere. We are working on it all, all the time.

I love these boys and I hope whatever happens is in the best interest of them and their future.

Success and failure

Tuesday night as I was trying to settle C down to sleep for the 15th time in 45 minutes the following thought popped into my head. I thought to myself "this would be so much easier if this was my kid". Oh, instant guilt! I am treating having these boys as a temporary situation but if it isn't and I get to keep them forever will my thoughts change? Will I keep remembering that I did not give birth to these boys? And, would challenges be less if I had birthed them? I think not. I think we would still have challenges on the same scale. Right now, bedtime for C is our biggest challenge. Many things have improved in the almost 2 weeks they have been with us. Bedtime has been a slow process.

We are trying to do quiet, calm things the hour or so before bed. We only do a bath every other day because of C's eczema. We get jammies on early and read a book or two. I have no trouble with D. He is so ready for bed every night. C is just a different boy, the complete opposite of his brother. He never wants to go to sleep.

Last night, Wednesday, was a huge success! It didn't start that way as the boys were fighting terribly. I thought I was going to have to check their anatomy because they were pinching and pulling each other's hair. I swore I had two little girls instead of two little boys. At 7:45 I was done with it. We put on jammies, read a story and put both boys in bed. I laid in my bed for 15 minutes or so. They were both out in 5. Wow! Parenting success! They slept straight through until 6:30 this morning. Awesome! But, every parenting success is usually coupled with a failure. In my haste to get those two crabbies to bed I forgot to fill the humidifier in their room. D woke up with blood on his pillow. Another nose bleed. Ah, well, we can try to redeem ourselves tonight!

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Tomorrow is Mom's prelim hearing. I am attending but E cannot. He is working tomorrow and unless he transports her to the courthouse he cannot go. Neither of us are comfortable with him doing the transporting of their mom so I will go alone. I'll let you guys know how she pleads but I anticipate a not-guilty plea. She has done nothing wrong in her own eyes.

In-laws and bedtime and such

My little man D gets to go back to school today! CPS didn't get their act together with all our paperwork until last Wednesday so D couldn't go to school. Well, he could go to school but he couldn't be released to us. We didn't want to send him for just one day Thursday and with yesterday being Martin Luther King Jr day there was no school. So, today is day 1! He is getting on and off the bus at in-law's. They will watch C during the day and D after school. They will be his bus stop even when E is off because we thought it would be too confusing for the school with how E's schedule rotates.

Have I mentioned how wonderful my in-law's have been? They have taken these boys into their home almost every day and are treating them as if they were born to me. They are treating them as if they will be with us forever. How special is that? They are both retired now but my MIL is a LPN and she worked for a pediatrician when her boys were younger. Then she was hired into our local ISD and worked as a para-pro and aide for almost 20 years. I could not ask for better hands for my boys to be in. My FIL is a Vietnam vet and was a supervisor in a local plant. He is gruff and strict but very loving all the same. They balance each other out.

I am pleased that these boys have 2 very strong male figures in my hubby and FIL because they have had so many men in and out of their lives I don't think they take men very seriously.The first time E gave the boys a bath D looked at him like, seriously? you're going to try to do this thing? We both laughed but realized after it wasn't so funny. They are listening better to my FIL and E but both boys turned a deaf ear at first to anything they would say.

Any tips for me on bedtime? D goes right to bed and maybe chatters to his stuffed dog for a few minutes. This kid likes to sleep so much he could be mine. C, on the other hand, fights us tooth and nail. At nap time and bedtime. I think he was just left to his own devices before and they let him crash whenever and wherever. Not in my house! When we lay him down he's good for about a minute. Then he starts calling my name. Then he says he's not tired. Then he whimpers and cries. Then he plays. Then he's out of bed. Then I put him back in bed. Then he whimpers. Then he cries. Then he says he's not tired.......This lasts a good hour. Meanwhile, D is saying C won't let him sleep and he needs to sleep so he can do good in school tomorrow. I don't know what to do other than to keep doing what I am doing. We have a calming bedtime routine but he just does not like to settle. He is a goer. I hate to separate the two into different rooms because they do well otherwise.

I had better run. I appreciate all your comments and prayers so very much! They are uplifting to me because I am so afraid I am going to screw these kids up more than their mom! You help me build my confidence so much!! Thank you!!!

Saturday already?

Wow, is it really Saturday already? Yes, I have been very busy! I want to thank you all for your words and prayers. They mean so much to us!

D has had only the one nosebleed last Sunday. We have a humidifier going in their room 24 hours a day and I believe that is helping. I discovered Tuesday that C's skin issue is severe eczema. (I may be repeating myself) We are struggling to get it cleared up. It starts to get better and then one of the patches gets really inflamed and starts to look infected. It is horrible! I am hoping their doctor will test C and retest D for food allergies as some of you mentioned the eczema can be triggered by allergies. Last night C started coughing during the night and ended up vomiting. I was afraid it was the flu but I believe it was his gag reflex from coughing. That was a first for E and I! Cleaning up a kid and changing bedding at 3:30 in the morning.

Now, I feel like I need to clear something up. I feel unworthy of your admiration. I'm dealing with this whole situation the only way I possibly can. Honestly, I want to grab these kids, get on a plane and fly them far, far away. That is what I want to do. What I have to do is my job. I understand that reunification is the goal right now. That could change any time but for now I am taking care of someone else's children.

That does not mean I cannot love them, hug them, kiss then and tell them how happy I am they are here with us. I tear up a little when C says he wants to go home and that he misses his mommy.I force myself to tell him convincingly that mommy loves him and misses him too. It his hard to hear him talk about how they hurt him and still have to say they love him very much. It is very hard when one minute he says he misses her and the next he says she hurts him.

I am teaching these kids something that they have to learn. That living with adults should not be scary or painful. That they should feel loved and secure and warm and comfortable.

I don't know what is going to happen with these boys. They could end up with some other family members or back with their mom. Or, they may end up becoming available for adoption. I just can't see what is going to happen. What I do know is that if they leave I will cry. And, if they can stay with us forever, I will cry.

Yesterday's meeting

I attended the placement permanency meeting yesterday and let me tell you, it was interesting to say the least! There are 5 children, 4 fathers and 1 mother who is incarcerated. Mom's concern is that her kids should be with family. Understandable. She does not like the youngest 2 being with strangers. The other 3 kids are with their dads but the youngest boys dads could not be reached on Friday. Thus, they came to us.

The father's are all going to file for permanent custody. Mom does not want the youngest 2 split up but they have different fathers. There is a great aunt and uncle who are willing to take they boys but now all the interested parties need home studies and inspections. The aunt and uncle need to get a foster license to take the youngest boys because the boys are now in the state's care.

What a mess! I have never attended such a circus of a meeting. There were 5 DHS workers, me, the aunt and uncle, a father, a step-father and the boys attorney all present at the meeting. Attending via phone conference were mom, 2 dads, an aunt (the one I went to school with), a grandparent, and 2 of the workers from our agency. Every one wants the kids! I sat back and kept my mouth shut. I know the primary goal is reunification, I knew that going in. Yesterday confirmed that firmly.

Our new agency case worker is coming for a home visit tonight. He is brand new and very excited to have a case. We are also going to have a visit from the boys attorney soon. We just found out yesterday who the boys doctor is so we'll be setting up an appointment for physicals very soon.

E came down with the stomach flu yesterday morning so the boys went to my in-law's. My MIL told me she loves her bio grand babies but these 2 behave so much better! My heart swelled. When I walked in their door last night both of the boys ran to greet me with hugs and kisses. Strangers, indeed!

I had an interesting conversation with both boys in the car driving home. I told the boys we were almost home and C said he didn't want to go home. I asked if he didn't want to go to my house or his parents house. He said his house. He said they are mean to him there. I asked him who was mean and he said Daddy. He said Daddy hits him. And Mommy hits him. D piped up like he always does and collaborated C's story. I don't know what to believe. I don't see how small children can really make that up. It must come from somewhere. I wrote down the conversation when we got home and I'll talk to our CW about it tonight. I know it's not my job to compile evidence against this mother.

I had better run and get myself ready for work. The boys are going to the in-law's again today. Eric is taking today off but he is still feeling pretty crappy. MIL has been just super supportive and has so much fun with those two!

Born to be a daddy

I have failed to mention how awesome my husband has been through all of this. Truly amazing! His schedule rotates so he works every other weekend. This week he has Monday and Tuesday off, works Wednesday and Thursday, and has Friday, Saturday and Sunday off. Next week the only days he has off will be Wednesday and Thursday.

He was on his own yesterday with the boys. We got them up together a little after 7 and got them breakfast. I laid out their clothes, kissed them all good-bye and headed out for work. He got their teeth brushed, their hair settled down and then got them dressed. He had some errands to run so they got to go to the courthouse to change his payroll deduction and then to the department for a car-seat check (which the woman wouldn't do, boo to his co-worker). The boys got to meet so many people that E works with and they each got a sucker at the courthouse. They he brought them to see me at my work. The members that were in the lobby were so thrilled for me!

The balance of the day was spent at E's parents. They went sledding down the hill and got to be pulled back up the hill behind the snowmobile. They each got to ride the snowmobile with E and then play on the big swing-set, too. My MIL sent me pictures, I so wish I could share them with you!

E said this is so much easier than he thought it would be. I think it helps that we have such great boys. My MIL said they are better behaved than her bio grand kids!
Oh, and he changed his first poopy diaper yesterday, too!

A little update

The meeting was postponed until today at 3. C's dad contacted E via FB and said he is trying to get C back. He thanked E for taking care of C and said he knows C is in a good home. They know each other via E's work. Dad was housed there at one time.

Mom's prelim is January 20th. No one has any idea how she'll plead so it may or may not go to trial. This weekend the magistrate had given her 15 days but the judge overturned that Monday and gave her 30 for her probation violation.

It sounds as if there are people stepping up to take the boys. Mom wants their step-dad to take them but that is where she will go when she is released. We'll just wait and see. It is all in the experts hands.

We took the boys out for dinner last night at our favorite restaurant. They were so good! These little guys just amaze me several times a day. I cannot imagine anyone ever wanting to hurt them or scare them or be mean to them. Seriously, they are a perfect first placement for us!

I'll keep you posted when we learn more. It sounds as if we'll have a home visit Thursday with our new foster care case worker. He is brand new to our agency and very excited his first case is a brand new set of foster parents!

Finding our rhythm

So yesterday morning while I was down here writing my post D was upstairs having a nose bleed. A pretty bad one, too. He was so calm about it all. I went in their room and C was awake, lying quietly on his bed. I started talking to him and started changing his diaper when D started to stir. I looked over at him when he sat up and my heart just sank. He noticed right away because the blood dripped on his arm and he said "I have a nose bleed". Just like that, all matter of fact. I grabbed some tissues and had him hold them on his nose while I finished C's diaper. Poor little D was a mess. I ended up calling my MIL because the bleeding wasn't stopping. She was an LPN and a para-pro at the ISD school. She said I was doing everything right, pinching his nose and having him breathe through his mouth. Finally it stopped. I was calm, cool and collected but inside I just wanted to cry!

He said he gets a lot of nose bleeds. After I got him all cleaned up and got them both dressed for the day and breakfast was on the table my hero arrived! My MIL was at the door. She stayed for several hours while I soaked all the bloody bedding and jammies and got the humidifiers going upstairs and down. I am hoping the dry air is what caused the nosebleed.

My MIL stayed until just after lunch and as she was getting ready to leave my mother came over. I am so blessed to have both of them! They played with the boys and read to them and just watched them and hung out while I was going laundry and making beds and all that work that needs to be done.

I feel like we are finding our rhythm. We'll see tomorrow when D goes to school and Wednesday morning when I am on my own getting all 3 of us ready. They were in bed last night by 8:20 and they were both asleep when I crawled into bed at 8:30. I just couldn't stay up any later. It worked out good because today I got up just after 4 and did some work, showered and was ready for work by 6. The rest of this morning will be devoted to the boys. I think I'll wake them at 7 so they get used to this schedule. E has the day off today so he's hanging with the boys. They are going to my MIL's while we meet with DHS.

E found out a bit more about their mom. Seems she dropped the kids off at one of her ex's and then went on a bender. She tried to kill herself by taking a whole bunch of pills and that combined with the alcohol put her in ICU for a few days. She went to jail on Saturday (the magistrate charged her with a parole violation) and she spent the weekend in the detox cell. E said she was a terrible pain in the u-know-what all day yesterday.

I don't know her record. I don't know how many times she has had her kids placed with CPS. I know she has 5 children with 4 different men. 3 of the children are with their father's or their father's family. C and D are with us because one of their father's hasn't been located (as of Friday) and the other father has a no-contact order. I don't think any of mom's family will step forward to take care of these boys. I remember when we were in high school Grandmother could not take care of her own kids so I doubt she's any better now.

I pray the boys get to stay with us. I pray for their mom that she can straighten herself out some. I really don't think she is in any shape to take her kids back. I know she has 15 days in jail but that could change. We'll know more today!

Adjusting to our new life

Thank you so much for all your comments! Life has turned a 180 on us and it is so awesome! If anything exciting happens or prayers are needed in our community please e-mail me. I have no time to read and I don't know when I will again.

The boys are both still asleep. The first night was a late one and they didn't get to bed until 11. They slept until 9. I know, 10 hours! Last night they were in bed just after 10 and it us just after 8 now. Another 10 hour night. I doubt this will last many more nights. I think they have been overwhelmed by their life so far and being in a warm, safe environment they are catching up on their lost sleep.

We are going to work their bedtimes back by an hour each day over the next few nights. My goal is to have them in bed by 7:30 or 8 because mornings are going to come awful early around these parts. D will need to get on the bus about 8:15 and then I will take C to my MIL's on my way to work. The bus picks up the neighbor boy and I see it every morning when I go out to start my car.

This is assuming they are still with us after tomorrow's permanency placement meeting. We meet at 3 at DHS with CPS and any interested parties they may have found. I highly doubt there will be any. We hope to be able to keep these boys for as long as we can. I am praying forever but prepared if that is not the case. We will do the best we can by them for the time they are with us.

Their aunt sent me a FB message yesterday asking if the boys we had were her nephews. We were friends in high school and became FB friends just a few weeks ago. She had seen my FB posting about fostering two boys ages 2 and 4. That matched her nephews ages and she knows where we live. She said she had found out yesterday her sister had her children removed from her care. (Mom is actually in jail but I didn't say anything. She is in E's facility.) Auntie went on to write that she cried her heart out when she found out the boys had been removed and she prayed to God that they would go to a good home. She cried tears of joy when she read my post. She knew it was God's way of reassuring her that her nephews were safe. She thanked me and thanked God. She wrote that I have no idea what those boys have been through. I'm not sure I want to know.

C has a sore on his right arm. It was a bit blistered and looked a little infected so Friday night after his bath I put some cream on it and a band-aid. He said his mommy hurt him. He said she burned him. He is 2. Where would that come from if it wasn't true? I wrote it down and I'll bring it up at tomorrow's meeting. My MIL changed his band-aid yesterday and he told her that mommy hurt him. He didn't tell her that she burned him just that mommy hurt him.

D hasn't really said anything. He hasn't mentioned mommy or anyone else in his life. he did tell me that he had 3 dogs at home but that one was missing. He couldn't remember their names. C cried at bedtime and nap time yesterday that he wanted to go home and that he missed his mommy. I just told him that mommy loves him and she misses him but that he is going to stay with us for a little bit. I keep reassuring these boys that they are wonderful little boys and that we love having them stay with us. I keep telling them that we have always wanted little boys just like them to come and stay with us. I don't know what else to say to them. Will that ease their troubled hearts?

They are outgoing little guys. D is a little pleaser. He tries to hard to do the right thing and his smile rarely leaves his face. C is the more dominant personality and is a bit more challenging and a bit of a daredevil, too. They play very well together and entertain each other. I have been working very hard to get this house in order with all the extra stuff and toys. Diapers and wipes, all that is so new to me. C is still in diapers but we are going to start working on potty training today. D wears pull-ups at night but he was dry Saturday morning.

Speaking of morning I had better get those 2 up. E is working so I am on my own today. My mom is coming up sometime today to meet the boys and I've got more laundry to do. If anything is wonky in this post forgive me. I am pretty tired and kind of spacey. I know it will get easier and honestly it hasn't been too bad!

There are children in my house!

This will be a real quick post to share my happy news with my prayer warrior women!

There are children in my house!! I got a call last night at 4:50 about an emergency placement. Two boys ages 2 and 4. Brothers. C is 2 and D is 4. They were at our house 2 hours later. I have never had such a whirlwind shopping trip through Wal.mart. I bought the bare necessities like pajamas and baby wash. I bought toothbrushes and booster seats. Holy cow.

It may be short term, it could be long term. We'll know more Monday at 3 when they hold the placement plan hearing. I'll let you know more when I have time. Right now the little buggers are still asleep. It was a late night last night and they were exhausted. Me, I hardly slept a wink! I still have so much to do. I still have all my Christmas decorations up for Pete's sake!

Thank you for all your prayers! They truly work!

I'm not listening

I sent an email to our caseworker Wednesday inquiring about actively fostering infants and toddlers. It seems to us that the people adopting through our agency are fostering the kids first and then choosing to adopt them. We have had 5 referrals and have not met a single child. In 4 of the referrals the foster parents have decided to adopt. The other one had grandparents choose to parent. Our caseworker forwarded my mail to the agency foster licenser and his response was not real positive. One of his issues with us fostering through our agency is that they are based an hour away and we would be responsible for transporting the child to parent visitation. He also stressed that the goal for fostering is reunification not adoption. He made it sound like we cannot do both fostering and adopting through our agency.

He didn't answer the other question I had asked. Is it possible for us to continue the adoption process through our agency but foster through our local DHS? We have to do something. This sitting around and waiting is driving us crazy. E stopped in at our local DHS office today. He told the receptionist what we wanted to do and she had him fill out a form. She said she'd give it to a social worker. And now we wait some more. Our local office retired 5 social workers at the end of the year and they are not hiring any more at this time. They are hiring one clerk. Can you say case overload?

What good is that foster license hanging on the wall just 4 feet away? What good is that bedroom all set and ready and empty upstairs? In the attic I have an empty crib, an empty toddler bed, an empty twin bed. We have the space. We have the hearts. We have the love and security and stability to give these kids a safe place even for a little while. Let's put it to good use!

I am so frustrated by this process. Every night I see commercials on TV about fostering and adopting waiting children. I just roll my eyes. This is not happening the way I expected it to but what does in this day and age? We're now past the 9 month mark. Paper pregnant with no due date.

I am trying so hard to trust God in all this. I keep thinking to myself that the child he has chosen for us is not ready for us yet. I keep telling myself that. My family keeps telling me that. My credit union members keep telling me that. So far, I am not listening!

You won't believe it

Well, maybe you will. I seem to have the worst luck. And my bad days are really bad.
Today was pretty rough.
But, you gals just get it! You feel what I feel. Wait until you read this:

E sent me a text on lunch saying "our kids" were off the site. He thought it was because we had been matched with them. I had to break it to him that it meant the kids were matched with someone else. I told him we have to actually meet the kids before we are considered for adoption. He got it then. The foster parents have decided to adopt. Sigh. How nice that we find out from seeing the children removed from the list rather than our caseworker, who we have not heard from in almost a month.

Then, I get back from lunch and hear the girls all talking. From the gist of their conversation I deduce that our new coworker is pregnant. Great. I now work with 3 pregnant women. Please, just shoot me now! One is due the end of February, the next is due mid March and the new one is due in June. Yay...lucky me. Keep in mind, there are only 7 employees in our office. Two have had hysterectomies, 3 are pregnant, 1 just graduated high school and then there is me. The infertile one. The one that gets to hear all day long from our members, "be careful...it might be contagious, har,har". Yuck, yuck. I want to punch someone.

Just for Leila.....

Here's an update. Nothing. Temp is up, down, up, down. I don't think I am pregnant. I may have miscarried or I may be very wonky this month. Like I said, it's in God's hands. I am not thinking about it and whatever happens happens.

E is feeling better although he took yesterday off too. Last night was the first night he was able to stay in bed. I am so glad he was able to sleep in bed because I slept in our one recliner. I kept coughing and coughing and could not lay down. I caught a cold. Thank goodness, I don't have what he had!

John made it home on New Year's Eve. They still have not figured out what caused the seizures. He is off work for awhile and will not be able to drive for 6 months. He is on anti-seizure medication and will be having more tests done. It's just a weird thing. He is so lucky he was not driving when it happened. He said he pulled into his parking spot, put the truck in park and got a blinding pain across his forehead. He got out of the truck and that's the last he remembers.

I am hoping to hear from our agency this week. The foster family was going to make their decision after the holidays whether they are going to adopt the 2 children we have been picked for. I haven't heard from our CW since December 6th when she told be that the birth mother was going to parent and that we had been picked for the boy and girl. We'll see if I hear anything.

I'm waiting for the "big changes" to take place at work. I have decided to stick it out at the credit union. I honestly love what I do and I have too much time invested to give it up now. We are starting a mortgage program early this year and I need the experience and training that will be offered. A senior loan officer with mortgage lending experience? Now, that's what I'm talking about! Then I would feel better about leaving for a financial institution that has their lending officers in an office full time and not squeezing loan work in between cashing paychecks. But, I digress.

Speaking of work, I had better get ready. We have our temporary teller starting today. She'll be working to cover the 2 maternity leaves in late February, March and April. Thank goodness, I don't have to train her. Tummy-rubbing mommy is going to be doing the training. That will keep her occupied and keep her out of my space.