I'm alright

Wow! It's been awhile. I promise I am not slipping back into my old ways of posting once a quarter;)

Work has been insane. Totally insane. I have a co-worker who is extremely paranoid and she is convinced that my boss and I are trying to push her out. She has been unbearable all week. We put almost $100,000.00 in loans on the books today alone. I had two closings scheduled while simultaneously running the drive-thru. That was fun. I try not to complain about work too much because I know so many people are out of work but I am about going crazy right now. I've been crunching numbers to see if I could at least go part-time once we adopt. I don't know if they'll let me. They may say, see ya!

My hubby is playing in a hockey tournament this weekend. He pays once tonight, twice tomorrow and maybe Sunday depending on how they do in these three games. What that means for me is that he'll be at the rink all weekend. Guess I'll be tearing down the bed in the kiddie's room by myself tomorrow. I've got muscles. I can do it.

I'm off to try to do some reading. I am a day behind on my daily bible readings. I fell asleep last night before I could even open my bible. I have two days worth to read tonight and I don't feel much more awake than I did last night. It may have to wait until tomorrow am.

Just wanted to check in. Let you all know I'm still alive. Toodles!

Time to let the world know

Our first appointment with our adoption agency is March 31st. Due to my hubby's work schedule and the director's schedule that is the earliest we can get in.

It is time to share the news of our adoption plan with our family and friends! We told my hubby's parents tonight and I told my brother and sister-in-law today. My MIL told my hubby's brother. Everyone is thrilled! I plan on telling my mom tomorrow if she has time to talk to me. I will send a group e-mail to our dozens of aunts, uncles and first cousins. There are way too many to call individually. I am sure my MIL will beat me to it announcing to her siblings but I can't blame her. She's so excited for us! She knows how much we've wanted to be parents and how long we have waited.

It has been a long wait. I am so ready to bring a little one home. I am starting tomorrow on the bedroom. Since our house is over 80 years old and has the original lathe and plaster as very little insulation we are going to gut our child's bedroom to insulate and drywall. I plan on clearing everything out of the bedroom to get ready to knock some walls out next week. It is supposed to get cold here again and I am not too thrilled with that room being down to the studs but I really need to get a jump on this. I want to be ready as soon as our home evaluation is done. I want that room to be kid-ready ASAP! When God drops a child in front of us I want to be ready to swoop them up!

I have heard the call

I was so excited to get a phone call yesterday! Actually, I answered my work phone a hundred times yesterday but it was the call on my cell phone that got me really fired up! And you know what? I couldn't answer it. So it had to go to voice mail. I wouldn't even have known it rang if I hadn't forgot to turn it back off after lunch. But guess who it was? Our case worker, Suzanne!!!! And I was too busy at work to call her back! I hate my job. It is really starting to interfere with my life. I need to figure out how to become a stay-at-home-wife soon to be a stay-at-home-mom.

Anyway, I have been up since 5:30 so I can be totally ready for work when the agency opens at 8am. The message Suzanne left was that she wanted to schedule our orientation. We have to go into their office and talk about adoption and our expectations and go over what children are available in the state. With my husbands training schedule and my meeting schedule I am hoping we can get down there in the next couple of weeks.

I saw one little boy on Ma.re last night! Kenny is four years old and he was just listed yesterday. He has no physical, mental or learning impairments and mild emotional impairments. He has a smile that would brighten the sun! He looks a bit like my cousin's little boy. We shall see!

My boss told me last night not to fall in love with the first child I meet and here I go getting all attached to a profile. We have at least three months or so before our home evaluation will be complete so I'm sure this little guy will be placed before then. I pray for that because I hate seeing kids on this list. I am overjoyed when I see they have been adopted.

I always wanted to experience pregnancy and I am still a little sad that I won't. At least, I don't plan on it at this point. God may surprise me yet. Anyway, I wanted those nine months to feel a child developing inside me. I wanted the ability to nurture a little human from the very start. To be able to pray over a baby's development and well being. I have started praying for these children on this site. There are over 300 listed from the ages 3 to 17. All levels of impairment from none to severe. I want the child that we do adopt to know that I began praying for him or her the minute I saw their profile. I may not be able nurture a child from conception but I will certainly begin at first sight.
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I have been struggling with my printer since I started this post 22 minutes ago. I finally got it to print! I wanted to print Kenny's profile!

It's in the mail

So, I mailed our adoption application yesterday. It is on it's way to the agency! The ball is rolling!

We haven't told any of our family. We haven't told any of our friends. I did tell my boss last night when we were on our after work walk but that was only because I will need time off here and there to do all the things we'll need to do. She seemed supportive but we'll see when I actually have to take a day off how supportive she really is. We have worked together for almost 12 years. She has seen our struggle first hand.

I have an excellent resource in K, a girl I went to high school with. I sent her a quick note on FB asking for any advice she could give us. K and her husband adopted a 12 year old girl about five years ago. Then 2 years ago they adopted brothers, ages 2 and 3. They have experienced what we will experience, and the some. I don't think we'll start out with a 12 year old but I admire their courage in starting that way.

Her advice to me was to guard my heart. They had their hearts broke several times before they adopted their daughter. Then they had their hearts broke several more times before they adopted their boys. K said not all adoptive parents went through what they went through but many do. They had some very tough times having to give up children they connected with.

I pray that God will spare us any more hurt. We took 12 years to reach this point and I pray that he will make our adoption(s) smooth and easy for us.

My hero!

Most everyone else is probably still in bed right now but not me! I've been up since 5:30. That's 4:30, yesterday's time. Way too early!

My hubby woke me up by turning on the light outside our bedroom to get bullets for his guns. He had to be in Grand Rapids by 8am for some shooting thing he is going to today. Something for law enforcement officers and their guns. I don't know. I'm sure I'll hear all about when he gets home!

Have I mentioned what E does for a living? He works for our local sheriff's department. Has a badge and a gun and all that good stuff. He does not work on the road, though. That is something he has no interest in at all! He has seen and stopped at two fatal car accidents since he started working at the department 11 years ago and he had a real tough time dealing with them. One was a girl on her way to her graduation ceremonies. He did what he could but she was already gone. That hit him so hard! He had to work a 12 hour night shift after he left that scene.

He works in the jail in corrections. He is so good at his job! I know he is because we see previous inmates out in the stores and restaurants and most do not avoid him. Most have to come up to him and shake his hand and tell him they are staying out of trouble. That tells me they respect him and they want his respect, too. Once in a while there are some that avoid him like the plague. Those are usually the "frequent flyers" as E likes to call them. The people who just seem to attract trouble everywhere they go. It's either alcohol, or drugs, or thievery, or abuse. Those "frequent flyers" my hubby has not been able to reach.

E is such a hero! He has saved two people trying to commit suicide while in jail. They have cameras in every cell, of course, but they do not cover every inch of the cell. Both times the people were trying to hang themselves in the shower. Both times he knew something was not right in that cell and he was able to rush in and cut them down. I tease him about being superman!

I laugh because on every vacation we went on for a few years he saved someone or something. We were up in Mackinac a few years ago at an old sawmill. They have this chute that runs from a pond to the sawmill. They open the chute and the water turns the paddle wheel that works the blade to cut the wood. I know, real detailed description. Anyway, we were standing at the top of the chute looking down in it and there was a blue heron in the chute. He had dropped in but couldn't get out because the chute has these slats across the top every 15 inches or so and the bird didn't have enough room to spread his wings. We knew that when they opened it the water would push the bird down to the paddle wheel and that wouldn't be good. My hubby took off running to the sawmill to tell the operator not to open the chute. They called maintenance to come in and get the bird out. They said the heron probably was fishing for frogs. The mill operator said between the rush of water and hitting the paddle wheel it would have killed the bird. See? A hero.

A few years later we were up in Sault Ste. Marie camping with some friends. In The Soo there is a really tall sea wall at the marina that people like to jump off. Not me, but other people. Well, E and his friend decided they wanted to try it. My friend and I stayed on shore and watched from a warm, dry distance. There were several people jumping off that day. My hubby has just come out of the water when a girl about 14 years old was pushed off by her friends. Because she didn't run and jump she was way too close to the pier and she hit it all the way down. My hubby took off running, swam to the girl and swam back with her and carried her to shore. Our friends, and hers, just stood there with their mouths hanging open. She was pretty banged up and I don't think she could have swam to shore herself. Her friends were all young teenagers so I doubt they could have helped her either.

I tease him constantly about his cape, where he hides it. He's helped people skiing, kayaking, wiping out on their bikes, you name it! I am so lucky to be married to such an amazing man. Everyone he meets he connects with. Everyone just loves him. I cannot wait to see what a difference he will make in our future children's lives. I think any child would be proud to eventually call my wonderful husband Daddy.

Dawning of a new era

I was thinking this morning about the fertility bracelet. I wore that bracelet for almost four years. I didn't really believe in its power but I thought, why not give it a try? The thing is, I was supposed to be pregnant when it broke. I am not. Today is cycle day 1.

Thus ends nearly 12 years of the quest for pregnancy. I will still chart my temperature every day. It gives me a good clue as to when my next period will actually start. I may even use my fertility monitor for a few months yet as I have enough test sticks to last a few more cycles. I think I will stay on the progesterone indefinitely. I like how I feel when I am on it and it has definitely helped lengthen my cycles. But this is the end of an era. Infertility will not enter conversation about myself any longer. I will no longer let it define me. Today begins a new era. An era of becoming an adoptive mother.

I am headed downtown to our Christian bookstore this morning and then going to my in-laws. My brother-in-law and two of my nieces are up for the weekend and I want to see those two girls. They are so darn cute and so much fun! And, I am going to shoot my gun a little bit today. But mainly, I want to talk to my mother-in-law about adoption. I plan on pulling up the Michigan adoption website and showing her the children I have been praying on. I don't know if my hubby has talked to her about adoption but I would be surprised if he hasn't. He is over there on every one of his days off. He is so close to both of his parents and now that they are both retired they are all closer than ever. I want to gage her response to us adoption older children. We will not be able to do this without their unconditional support. I'll let you know what happens! Hopefully I don't end up crying as I am feeling rather emotional today.

Not a bit superstitious but......

I forgot to mention that my fertility bracelet broke yesterday. I have worn that bracelet for almost 4 years and my arm is feeling a little bare. I am not a superstitious person but I find the timing pretty ironic. We'll see in a few days!

I will worship in the waiting

I was praying this morning and one of the things I ask God for every day is for Him to please bless my husband and I with the gift of a child, if it is His will. I am on my 10th day of elevated temps, 3rd day of super-elevated temps. This is my first cycle, since I have started charting, for this to happen. I usually have only a 9 day LP.

Anyway, after my prayer session I headed downstairs for coffee, bit of computer, shower and then I headed back upstairs to get ready for work. I turned on my radio and this song by FFH was being introduced. I had never heard it before. I couldn't find a video but I wanted you all to read the words.


In the Waiting

I’ve seen the red sea part, I’ve seen the mountains move
But now it seems so dark, I can’t even feel You
If You chose to be silent I’ll be silent too
I will worship in the waiting, quiet before You

Until Your voice like manna from the sky falls
I will worship in the waiting
I will walk with this sand beneath my feet
Though the winter wind is blowing

The ground is not frozen underneath
I will worship and not grow bitter
'Cause I know You see the end of it all
And with the spring will come the rain
And I'll see what was gained

In the waiting
I’ve seen the blooms of spring, new life in everything
But now it seems so grey, bright colors fade away
This winter seems much longer and colder than before
But I will worship in the waiting, expecting something more
Until the sun shines warm upon my face again

He Leadeth me, He leadeth me
By His own hand, He leadeth me
His faithful follower I would be
For by His hand, He leadeth me


I was moved. I know these past 12 years have been the winter of my life. Hearing this song, is it a sign of spring?

Heat wave!!

I just woke up from a two hour nap. Two hours! And on a beautiful sunny and warm (in the 40's) day in Michigan! I slept 9 hours last night, how can I possibly be tired enough for a two hour nap at 12:30 on a Saturday? I can think of one reason and I hope it's the one!

I had another shift today in my temperature.It went up 3/10's after I ovulated last Thursday or Friday and it stayed pretty steady up until this morning. It went up another 5/10's of a degree. That's a huge jump for me and I don't have triphasic temperature charts. I went back through all my charts and this has never happened before. We'll see what it's like tomorrow. I don't feel sick at all so I know it's not a fever. I'm hoping it's some natural progesterone kicking in to feed a little one starting to nest in!

I am going to sign off for now. I just got my March-April newsletter of Stepping Stones from Bethany Christian Services. It is a nice little newsletter offering support for Christian couples who have faced or are facing infertility and pregnancy loss. If you are interested in this you can go to bethany.org and sign up. They also offer e-editions of previous newsletters. Blessing to you all!

Feeling whiny this morning....

Oh, man! I have awake since 3:35am. I went to bed around 10 but couldn't get to sleep even though I felt exhausted. This rarely happens to me! I started my progesterone on Saturday and usually that totally knocks me out. I don't know what is up this cycle! I have been waking up several times a night and this morning I gave up on getting back to sleep and got up at 4:15.

My mind just would not shut off this morning. I was trying not to think about work. I tried praying and thinking positive thoughts like imagining myself being pregnant this summer. It was no use. Work just kept sneaking back into my psyche.

Work has been so stressful as of late. We have a new CEO and he is a real driver. There is nothing good enough for him. Right now I have so many loan files they fill two drawers. Plus, I have been working full-time on the teller line. I open and close my files so many times a day between members I forget where I am at. The system in our office is not working any more and management will not listen!!!! We are too busy of an office to have to work two full-time jobs as a teller and a loan officer. I am loosing my mind! I like my job and I am thankful to have a job but I wish they would see a better way to do things. I'm just whining but I am not having any fun at work at all! I used to have fun at work! The longer I am there the harder it is getting!

I spend a good part of my day in prayer. I speak to God all day long. I don't know how many times a day I think, God, give me strength! I carry in my pocket a pocket rosary and a St. Gerard token. Even if I don't have time during the day to say the rosary I fell better just having it with me. My aunt gave me the St. Gerard token. It came from The Cross in the Woods up in Indian River and it has the following prayer:

O good St Gerard, make me fruitful in offspring. Protect me and watch over me that I may raise up children to God in this life.

I love that prayer.I say it several times a day for myself and my prayer buddy.

I ask for the intercession of the saints in all of my requests. I wonder, is there a saint for the overworked and under appreciated? I'll have to look that one up!