Just one, please

We spent last evening with some good friends and their 3 month old baby. The husband half of this couple had cancer as a child and they were never sure he would be able to father a child. They became pregnant 6 months after their wedding. Isn't it funny how God works. They were sure they would not be able to get pregnant and 13 years ago I had no clue how much I would struggle. The natural order of things has been turned upside down for me. I hoped to have 3 children by now. Now I am begging God for just one.

My SIL is pregnant with her third. This is a couple that thinks about having a baby and they're pregnant almost instantly. She is a wonderful person and mother and I think she deserves the big family she craves. But do I? I like to think so. I try to be a good person. I try to be kind to others around me, even strangers. I talk to God all day long. I pray for myself and others. I thank Him for who and what I have in my life. I thank him for the strength he has given me. He has given me incredible strength otherwise I would have just stayed in bed many a morning. This morning is one of those mornings.

No one shall be barren in your land.....

I received an e-mail the other day that caught my attention. The e-mail itself was good; something you forward to friends to remind them that Christ is in everyone and strangers should be treated justly so. It was the verse at the bottom of the e-mail that really stopped me and made me think. It was from the book of Exodus. "So you shall serve the Lord your God, and he will bless your bread and water. And I will take sickness away from the midst of you. No one shall suffer miscarriage or be barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days."

Hmmmm......No one shall suffer miscarriage or be barren in your land. Is this the answer to all of my questions through the years? Am I not serving the Lord enough? Are my days not fulfilled by Him? These thoughts keep going through my head. What am I doing wrong so as to not deserve to be blessed with a child?

This is doubly difficult to bear because in our large extended family everyone has children. We are the only married couple on my hubby's side that does not have a child. Granted, one cousin has adopted, but they all have at least one child. Where does that put us? Unable to relate but wanting to so badly. Unable to commiserate but trying so hard. On my side of the family I have two cousins close to my age who are unable to carry a child. Their infertility is "undetermined". My younger cousin has had two miscarriages, one at almost five months. My heart breaks for her. The other cousin has adopted two children and is now scared that she will get pregnant at 37. I am wanting to adopt but my hubby is not there yet. He is still holding out for the chance at raising his own biological child. I, on the other hand, want to bring home every seemingly neglected child I see in life and on adoption sites. Kind of like the dog that is in the paper every week needing a home. I would bring them home, too, if we had the room! I am a nurturer, a giver. I would love to stay home and raise children and dogs. Will I be given the chance? I would like the chance. For now, I have my husband, my dogs and my job. They make me happy but I am not quite fulfilled.....

A New Beginning

I have told my story so many times, I wonder if is it worth telling again. So far, the story does not change.



We were married on a beautiful October day in 1996 by my hubby's great-uncle, Monsignor Ted. We had the traditional Catholic ceremony with lots of wonderful music and beautiful voices rising together to praise God and bless the happy couple. We vowed in front of God, Monsignor Ted and our families and friends to lovingly accept children and raise them according to God's will. At the time I did not realise God's will may not be for us to raise children. After 12 1/2 years of marriage it is still just us two and the labs. God's will is a funny thing.



After two years of not really trying to conceive we decided to really get to work. We tried for three years before I asked my doctor for help. I was young. I was naive. It took me months to build up the nerve and knowledge to be able to question my care. She put me on progesterone and clomid. I developed huge cysts on both of my ovaries so she took me off the clomid. We decided to do a lap in January of 2002 to make sure my tubes were open. My doctor discovered the unexpected. Weeks away from my 28th birthday she discover I had stage IV endometriosis. The cysts she thought were caused by the clomid were actually due to the endo blanketing my ovaries. Well, she cleaned me up and sent me on my way. Tried on our own for a few months. No progesterone, no clomid, no blood work. Just a temp chart and robitussen. I moved on to a new doctor whom I heard was a bit more aggressive. We did a 2nd lap in January of 2003 followed by three months of lupron injections. We were then, again, on our own. No progesterone, no clomid, no blood work. We tried and tried and in August of 2005 I fell pregnant. My hopes and dreams were dashed only days later when the bleeding began. My doctor did not order blood work, did not want to see me. Wanted to refer me to a specialists for ART. I was not going. I was done. Seven years on hoping, waiting, begging God for a baby had taken its toll. I was done.



Fast forward to 2009; I am starting again. Nothing much has changed. I started seeing a new doctor and we'll see where that takes me. I know I will not pursue ART. Not going to do it if the Pope does not approve. My cradle-catholic conscience will not allow it! I still believe in God's will but I also believe that begging, I mean praying, to God can have its rewards. I am also hoping my good friends, St Gianna and St Gerard will help convince God that I would be a wonderful mother and my hubby would be a terrific father. Do you thinks the saints can wear God down? Will he get tired of the begging and just say "fine! have it your way"? Time will tell, although I hope if does not take too much time. The battery is running low in this clock!