Can you hear it?

I was given a very cute picture today of my hubby. It is cute because he looks so good and he's holding a baby. The painful thing is that I have half a dozen pictures of him holding other couples babies but not our own. It is a painful reminder of what we are missing out on.



I am still praying very hard for guidance from The Lord. I know what I want but is it the right thing?Are we meant to be childless so we can focus on something else? Should be do IUI or IVF? Is my catholic beliefs interfering with our chance to get pregnant by not going the assisted route? Should be adopt? Foreign or domestic? China, Haiti, Mongolia, Russia????? Infant or waiting child? My head could burst.

This is my day to day train of thought. Second guessing every idea that comes to my head. Not wanting to do the wrong thing. I don't want to do something and not be able to take it back. I don't want to welcome a child into my home and then find out I cannot live with him. These are my fears.

I think these fears may be deep-seated from my childhood. My father told me years ago that my mother didn't want children. She had two with my dad. But when my parents divorced my mom sat in that room with the judge and told him she did not want us. She said that in front of us. We stayed with my dad. And she moved to Florida with my dad's best friend. This may be way too much put out there but it made a huge impact on my brother and I. I feel like I have dealt very well with my past. I have forgiven my mom and we have a pretty good relationship now. But these little insecurities sneak up now and again and put a veil of doubt over me. I can still see the negative impact our childhood had on my brother. I won't even start in this post about his problems.

We did not live a charmed life.

Anyway, this is what I am dealing with. Searching for guidance, afraid I may be hearing something God is not saying. We'll see if I am listening when the answer does come.