Going down

I am really struggling right now.  Every day lately seems to bring bitterness and disappointment. Yes, even I, the 13+ year veteran of infertility survival still gets down. And I am down right now. It takes all I have to hold it together lately.

We found out yesterday that the kids visits with mom will be increasing starting next week. They're talking 4 to 8 hours, some overnights, all unsupervised with the occasional pop-in of a caseworker to make sure all is okay. Yep, they're preparing to send the boys home to mama. Not sure when it will happen. Probably not at the August 18th hearing but probably sometime in the next 90 days. Looks like I'll be having some very sad holidays.

And last night I found out my uncle, my mom's oldest brother, has prostate cancer. The latest biopsy shows that it is the aggressive type. Please send up some prayers for him. They plan on removing his prostate and we hope and pray that the cancer hasn't already spread. He's just 63 and newly retired. His son-in-law just returned from 1 year in Afghanistan and we were all so excited for him to come home safe. Now, we all have this to deal with.

And today the first text I get from my hubby is to tell me his newly wed coworker is pregnant. That's what I want to read the minute I get out of bed. A pregnancy announcement. I am bracing myself for the deluge of announcements that will be following. The announcements always come in packs. Like wolves.

So this is where I sit on a beautiful Friday morning. Trying to go about my life like all is normal but knowing that things are going to change any day and not in a good way. I don't think my husband will want to foster again. And, he hasn't enjoyed parenting these boys. Adoption is up in the air now. I am at the edge of a precipice not knowing which way I will fall. Backwards or forwards. On solid ground or into the unknown canyon below. I've had a taste of parenting and I know I want to be a mother. I am good at it. My hubby is good at it. I just wish he wanted to do it.