The answer

First, thank you! For your prayers, for your support! I feel like the old lady on this infertility block. 12 years I've been riding this roller coaster and I thought I would get off this ride when we were approve to adopt. Not so, and how I hate roller coasters! I thought I would handle this better than I did yesterday. I've got experience! Thankfully days like yesterday are few and far between.

The answer to yesterday's meltdown came this morning. My temp plummeted a whole degree. Yep, hormone crash. I'm at the tail end of a 23 day cycle with a 9 day luteal phase. That's right, 23 days. That means I'll end another cycle right around Christmas. Great, 2 hormone crashes this month and a holiday I get to spend alone to boot!(More on that later!) I so miss the 30 day cycles I had while taking Clom.id. So very much.

I seem to be dropping off a day every month on my cycle. I'll be 37 in January so by my math I should be bleeding all month long by the time I'm 38! Not really, but that's how it feels. Maybe I'll hit menopause early? One can only hope!!

Have a blessed day! I know I will, I'm going to make myself!

Party pooper

I had a party this morning. Not a big one, just myself in attendance. I suspect the devil tried to enter, too, but I locked the door and wouldn't let him in. It was a pity party. A huge, slobbery, snotty pitty party.

Just yesterday I was telling an older couple I was doing a closing for that I was fine. I was being patient and trusting God in this whole process. I told them adoption was God's plan A all along and I just didn't know it. I told them how smooth the whole process has been and that we expect to be matched at any day. I was shining, radiant in my faith. I have wonderful family and terrific friends who are all praying for us and for our future children. I was totally trusting God in his plan for us.

Well, minutes after I got out of bed this morning, the other shoe fell. It started with an e-mail from Birthmom's mother, a coworker of E's, with a link to a list of children in the US waiting for adoption. My mind went into overdrive. If she was sending us that link, it meant her daughter has decided. She decided not to put her baby up for adoption. Or, maybe she didn't choose us. Why wouldn't she choose us? Birthmom was meeting with her CW yesterday and my CW said we should hear something shortly after. Then, my mind went into hyper-drive and it turned into an all-out panic attack. We'll never be parents. What will we do? How will we live? Why is God doing this to us? If we're not going to be parents, what are we supposed to be doing?????

It took a few minutes and half a dozen tissues but I manages to reel it in. I turned on my favorite Christian music station and took a breath. I kicked the devil out off my block and brought Christ back into the picture. I realized the stress of work, the upcoming childless Christmas, the prospect of spending an entire weekend with at my BIL's with their three wonderful children, the ever growing pregnant bellies at work, the endless wait and weeks of hearing nothing on any child.....it's getting to me. I think we should go away for Christmas....just the 2 of us.

I HAVE TO TRUST GOD!!!!I am struggling. And so help me, if my coworker stands next to be rubbing her belly today, I am afraid I will loose it! God, give me strength not to loose it in front of the 2 pregnant bellies today!!!! Oh man, and it's only Wednesday.......

On the fence

Just received an e-mail from out CW. Birth mother is still on the fence. So are we then. Her next appointment with her CW is November 30th. I know my friend is encouraging her to give the baby up for adoption. The CW said she is not leaning in either direction. I feel like I'm in limbo. Can't go forward and don't want to go back. I keep praying that she will do what is best for the baby and only God knows what is best. I must have the patience of a saint because I have been as calm as can be since I found out she is considering adoption and us. The only effect this has had is that I am almost done Christmas shopping and almost everything I have bought is wrapped. No wrapping on Christmas Eve this year! Whatever will be, will be!

Making me sick

I saw this on FB at lunch today and I could not eat. Made me sick. Give me your baby. And then learn some NFP!!!!!

Waiting and rambling on and on

I got an email Tuesday from our CW. She had received an update email from the birth mother's CW and our CW wanted to pass the info on to us. Birth Mother has been dealing with some "issues" with the birth father. Could be that he had his hearing for holding a knife to her throat when she told him she was pregnant, could be that he wants to step up and father, could be that she got him to sign off on the child....who knows. Birth Mother is meeting with her CW on Thursday and we should know something after that, according to our CW.

Our file was also submitted for 2 children, a girl and a boy, ages 8 and 5. I am not sure about them as they have severe emotional trauma. They are adorable to see and I was happy that our CW submitted us but I doubt anything will come of it.

The other 2 children we were submitted for, a boy and girl ages 6 and 4, have been put on hold. Their grandmother has stepped up to parent and the court is trying to decide if she is fit.

I got so excited the first couple of calls we received but I don't get excited anymore. We haven't met a single child yet. By the time our file has been getting to the child's CWs they have already had someone picked. I don't know if it is our agency or our CW or what. I'm not freaking out and I'm still holding God accountable for the timeline. He knows what is best for us!

I've realized that my dream to be a mother by Christmas this year is pretty much shot. It's okay, I have more children to buy for and spend time with this Christmas than ever before. I have my 2 nieces and nephew down state who we'll see the weekend before Christmas. I have my brother's girlfriend's children, 2 boys ages 5 and 3, who we'll see on Christmas. I'm shipping a package to Tennessee to my niece and her 2 sisters. And I still hope to see my brother's former step-daughter sometime over the holidays. There are also my 3 God-daughters who I always get a little something special for. Whew! I am proposing next year the family focuses only on the children. I want no gifts next year! And I don't want to have to struggle to figure out what to buy for everyone else!

Our parents are the worst. My MIL is Mrs Q.V.C. She sees it, she buys it. Doesn't leave much open for us to buy. My FIL and parents are almost as bad. This year we went out on a limb for my step-dad and bought him a chrome gas cover and a Do.dge Hem.i decal for his truck. He loves his truck and he likes to add fancy stuff to his cars. I daresay he's going to love it! For my mom we bought a slide converter to change all my grandparents slides over to digital. She won't see that one coming! And, I didn't have to get up at 4am to get it for a great deal like I did her D.S. last year!

I still have no clue what to get my FIL. Hubby said he'd be happy with broken fishing rods as long as they have the eyes attached. He uses broken rods to make these adorable little fishing sets for kids. He fashions the broken rod into a fishing pole with a magnetic end. Then he makes these little wooden fish with a metal snout that the kids can catch with their pole. Throw in a little wooden bucket and you get the cutest gift for a girl or boy.

Boy, I get off track sometimes. I better run and get "bad Thursday" started. I am so hoping for a better Thursday than the last two have been!!!

Rainy days and Thursdays...

Monday has a reputation for being the worst day of the week. Not for me! Thursdays have been terrible the last few weeks. Thursday nights are great because that is my play-date night with my cousin H. I feel such relief when he walks through the door at 6pm because I can shut the day out of my mind and think like a 4 year old.

Last Thursday I learned that a young man from my credit union took his own life. 18 years old and he felt he had to end his life. No one knows why. He was a freshman in college, a smart kid with loving parents and a nice girlfriend. He tutored math at the college and had a part-time job there too. I had to help his parents later that day block his debit card and close out his account. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do at my job. Listen to parents talk about their child's suicide. I felt so awful all day. I just wanted to put my head down and bawl!

Then this Thursday my best friend's mom called my work to talk to me. She had some banking to do but she also wanted to tell me all that is going on with her. She is my friend, too, and I am heart-sick for her. She is the friend that does mission work in Haiti and Africa. My inspiration for rolling bandages for Haiti and organizing the sheet and towel drive at work. For years she has had a degenerative spine disorder and she is at the point now where she can barely move. She cannot get herself out of bed. She cannot take a shower by herself. She cannot brush her teeth, write anything or type on a keyboard. She is only 58.

She is in so much pain she cannot ride in a car and can barely walk. She has surgery scheduled for December 23rd but her doctor is only giving her a 70% success rate. She will very likely become wheelchair bound. I knew she was getting bad, that she was in a great deal of pain all the time. Now she cannot stand it. And she is on so many meds that she hates it. They make her so foggy and confused and funny to talk to all at the same time. She just rambles on and on about all the things she is passionate about and that is many things.

She is so angry at God right now for shutting her down. She is the type of person who only does for others and not for herself. Her first words when I picked up the phone? "Do you have good news for me yet? You are at the top of my prayer list, you know." I am at the top of her prayer list and she could very likely end up crippled. That is the kind of woman she is. Doing for others. Doing for the least of these. Why would God want to put a stop to all the good that she does? She has been such an inspiration to me. I pray to God to ease her suffering. I pray that the surgeon can indeed treat her through the skills God has given him. I ask St Gemma Galgani to pray for my friend's healing. She has so much more she wants to do.

St Scholastica, pray for us!

My patron saint for 2011 is St Scholastica. She was the twin sister of St Benedict of Nursia, founder of the Benedictine order. Her feast day is February 10, smack-dab between DH and my birthdays and real close to our prospective baby's due date! She is the patron saint of nuns, convulsive children and is invoked against storms and rain. Here's hoping St Scholastica can hold off more storms in my life!