Dawning of a new era

I was thinking this morning about the fertility bracelet. I wore that bracelet for almost four years. I didn't really believe in its power but I thought, why not give it a try? The thing is, I was supposed to be pregnant when it broke. I am not. Today is cycle day 1.

Thus ends nearly 12 years of the quest for pregnancy. I will still chart my temperature every day. It gives me a good clue as to when my next period will actually start. I may even use my fertility monitor for a few months yet as I have enough test sticks to last a few more cycles. I think I will stay on the progesterone indefinitely. I like how I feel when I am on it and it has definitely helped lengthen my cycles. But this is the end of an era. Infertility will not enter conversation about myself any longer. I will no longer let it define me. Today begins a new era. An era of becoming an adoptive mother.

I am headed downtown to our Christian bookstore this morning and then going to my in-laws. My brother-in-law and two of my nieces are up for the weekend and I want to see those two girls. They are so darn cute and so much fun! And, I am going to shoot my gun a little bit today. But mainly, I want to talk to my mother-in-law about adoption. I plan on pulling up the Michigan adoption website and showing her the children I have been praying on. I don't know if my hubby has talked to her about adoption but I would be surprised if he hasn't. He is over there on every one of his days off. He is so close to both of his parents and now that they are both retired they are all closer than ever. I want to gage her response to us adoption older children. We will not be able to do this without their unconditional support. I'll let you know what happens! Hopefully I don't end up crying as I am feeling rather emotional today.

Not a bit superstitious but......

I forgot to mention that my fertility bracelet broke yesterday. I have worn that bracelet for almost 4 years and my arm is feeling a little bare. I am not a superstitious person but I find the timing pretty ironic. We'll see in a few days!

I will worship in the waiting

I was praying this morning and one of the things I ask God for every day is for Him to please bless my husband and I with the gift of a child, if it is His will. I am on my 10th day of elevated temps, 3rd day of super-elevated temps. This is my first cycle, since I have started charting, for this to happen. I usually have only a 9 day LP.

Anyway, after my prayer session I headed downstairs for coffee, bit of computer, shower and then I headed back upstairs to get ready for work. I turned on my radio and this song by FFH was being introduced. I had never heard it before. I couldn't find a video but I wanted you all to read the words.


In the Waiting

I’ve seen the red sea part, I’ve seen the mountains move
But now it seems so dark, I can’t even feel You
If You chose to be silent I’ll be silent too
I will worship in the waiting, quiet before You

Until Your voice like manna from the sky falls
I will worship in the waiting
I will walk with this sand beneath my feet
Though the winter wind is blowing

The ground is not frozen underneath
I will worship and not grow bitter
'Cause I know You see the end of it all
And with the spring will come the rain
And I'll see what was gained

In the waiting
I’ve seen the blooms of spring, new life in everything
But now it seems so grey, bright colors fade away
This winter seems much longer and colder than before
But I will worship in the waiting, expecting something more
Until the sun shines warm upon my face again

He Leadeth me, He leadeth me
By His own hand, He leadeth me
His faithful follower I would be
For by His hand, He leadeth me


I was moved. I know these past 12 years have been the winter of my life. Hearing this song, is it a sign of spring?

Heat wave!!

I just woke up from a two hour nap. Two hours! And on a beautiful sunny and warm (in the 40's) day in Michigan! I slept 9 hours last night, how can I possibly be tired enough for a two hour nap at 12:30 on a Saturday? I can think of one reason and I hope it's the one!

I had another shift today in my temperature.It went up 3/10's after I ovulated last Thursday or Friday and it stayed pretty steady up until this morning. It went up another 5/10's of a degree. That's a huge jump for me and I don't have triphasic temperature charts. I went back through all my charts and this has never happened before. We'll see what it's like tomorrow. I don't feel sick at all so I know it's not a fever. I'm hoping it's some natural progesterone kicking in to feed a little one starting to nest in!

I am going to sign off for now. I just got my March-April newsletter of Stepping Stones from Bethany Christian Services. It is a nice little newsletter offering support for Christian couples who have faced or are facing infertility and pregnancy loss. If you are interested in this you can go to bethany.org and sign up. They also offer e-editions of previous newsletters. Blessing to you all!

Feeling whiny this morning....

Oh, man! I have awake since 3:35am. I went to bed around 10 but couldn't get to sleep even though I felt exhausted. This rarely happens to me! I started my progesterone on Saturday and usually that totally knocks me out. I don't know what is up this cycle! I have been waking up several times a night and this morning I gave up on getting back to sleep and got up at 4:15.

My mind just would not shut off this morning. I was trying not to think about work. I tried praying and thinking positive thoughts like imagining myself being pregnant this summer. It was no use. Work just kept sneaking back into my psyche.

Work has been so stressful as of late. We have a new CEO and he is a real driver. There is nothing good enough for him. Right now I have so many loan files they fill two drawers. Plus, I have been working full-time on the teller line. I open and close my files so many times a day between members I forget where I am at. The system in our office is not working any more and management will not listen!!!! We are too busy of an office to have to work two full-time jobs as a teller and a loan officer. I am loosing my mind! I like my job and I am thankful to have a job but I wish they would see a better way to do things. I'm just whining but I am not having any fun at work at all! I used to have fun at work! The longer I am there the harder it is getting!

I spend a good part of my day in prayer. I speak to God all day long. I don't know how many times a day I think, God, give me strength! I carry in my pocket a pocket rosary and a St. Gerard token. Even if I don't have time during the day to say the rosary I fell better just having it with me. My aunt gave me the St. Gerard token. It came from The Cross in the Woods up in Indian River and it has the following prayer:

O good St Gerard, make me fruitful in offspring. Protect me and watch over me that I may raise up children to God in this life.

I love that prayer.I say it several times a day for myself and my prayer buddy.

I ask for the intercession of the saints in all of my requests. I wonder, is there a saint for the overworked and under appreciated? I'll have to look that one up!

Brrr......

Just a quick note! Today is my hubby's brithday so we are heading out for dinner with some friends. My wonderful guy is 38 today! I really hoped he knocked me up for his birthday, LOL!

This is funny! It is so cold and windy here that I am wearing long-johns under my jeans to go out for dinner. I love Michigan winters with a stiff wind right off Lake Michigan!

Oh congratulations to Hafsa and her hubby on their two pack! I am so happy for them! God has truely blessed them!

End of the line

Yay! I took my last ever clomid last Tuesday and I ovulated yesterday! Things are really falling into place this month. I am praying, praying, praying for this month to be the month! After this cycle, no more clomid for me. We've tried it three times and my ovaries get overstimulated and miserable feeling - it's just not worth the misery since it doesn't work anyway. If this cycle fails yet again it's time to move on to plan B, adoption.

I have been studying Michigan's website of waiting children. There are two little brothers who have peaked our interest. A 10 year old and a 5 year old. I have been praying on this and haven't heard my answer yet. My path is still not clear.

Maybe this month will be the month. I have been wearing a bracelet a friend made for me about three years ago. She called it a fertility bracelet. Well, that bracelet is on its last strings. She said when the bracelet finally breaks I should be pregnant. Hopefully its demise is perfectly timed with a BFP! If not, plan B!