Yee-haw

Oh my word, yes I am still here! Alive but barely. Just came from the ER; have a nasty sinus thing and my doctor's office didn't return my call. I have an antibiotic thanks to a lovely ER doc who couldn't stand to see me suffer!

Things are still happening here. The boys are still with us. We have the last pre-trial coming up on the 31st. Their mom could plead guilty and then it wouldn't go to trial. It would just be up to the judge as to what would happen with the kids. If she takes it to trial it will be a few months yet before any decision is made at to her parental rights. Little C is most likely headed to his dad's soon. He has filed for custody and it looks as if it will be awarded to him. D will be staying with us as he has nowhere else to go. Now that he has settled in I love having him here. He has his moments (all kids do) but generally, he is a joy to behold!

The boys both ended up very, very sick. I stayed home with D that one day and the next day, Friday, he was 10 times worse. E took him to the doctor and it ended up being Influenza type A. He was so lethargic from the fever and feeling generally icky that he couldn't even get up to go potty. E ended up putting a diaper on him and bundling him up in blankets on the couch. By Sunday afternoon C was almost as bad. It is so hard to keep a 2 year old down though! He would lay down for awhile, get up to play and then start crying because he wanted to play but didn't feel good enough to play. It was a rough couple of weeks. E came down with it, too and I was slightly ill last weekend. This past Friday it moved into my sinuses. I dealt with it as long as I could until I got to the ER today.

That's it in a nutshell. E just called and said they were on their way home. The kids had their mommy visit tonight. She gave them slurpies and cotton candy and the boys were drinking their sister's Mountain Dew. Oh joy, oh rapture. They'll never sleep tonight. Yee-haw.

Home sweet home

I am home today with my boys. D is sick with a viral thing. At least I think it is viral. He is running a low-grade fever and has a cough but nothing else. He is sucking down the fluids but isn't hungry. His teacher said several kids have had the same thing this week.

I am home today because E is working and I didn't want to plop a sick little boy on my in-laws. Now, here is the part where I need you to pray for my soul. In order to take today off, I had to tell my boss that I was sick. She told me early in the game that my sick kiddos had to be watched my either my hubby or someone else and that I couldn't take time off for sick kids. Especially when our office was short staffed. One co-worker had her baby on the 1st and the other is being induced today. So yeah, our office is very short-staffed with only 4 people working today. I also missed a major loan meeting this morning. All I can say is oh, well! My boy needs me! Maybe my boss will actually get her butt out of her office and remember that she used to cover on the teller line when she was needed!


D is just feeling so poopy. He never just lays around. He got off the bus at my in-laws yesterday and headed straight for the couch. He barely touched his pretzels and cheese crackers and that is his favorite snack. My MIL knew something was wrong then! Last night he hardly ate any dinner because he was just so tired. I gave him some ibuprofen and cough medicine and put him in bed at 7. He slept good until about 2:30 and then he started coughing and asking for a drink of water. I gave him a drink, doctored him up again and he went right back to sleep. I gave him ibuprofen first thing this morning and he has perked up a bit. It's hard to keep a 4 year old down, especially when his 2 year old brother is feeling fine and full of energy!

So, pray for my soul for my white lie and pray that my little man feels better soon. Pray, too, that C doesn't get it!

My sacrifice

So today is Ash Wednesday. The beginning of the Lenten Season. As a child I was always in awe of the solemnity of Lent. The change in the liturgy and the music at Mass. The change is our household and in my grandparents household. The fasting, obstaining, sacrifice. It was always a time to reflect inward at the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross and also a time to give more of one's self as a sacrifice as well.

This year I am not giving up anything for Lent. I will fast and obstain and spend more time in prayer and reflection. I will give more of myself to my husband and to the children in my home. I am not giving anything up for Lent because in a few months time, maybe less, I will be giving a part of myself up. I will be making a sacrifice that I never, ever thought I would need to make.

The title of my blog is some how, some way, some day for a reason. I always thought that I would be a mother. I didn't see any other way to live my life. Well, I need to see my future differently now. I need to see that some how, some way, some day I can be happy without children.

When C and D leave this home to go back to their mother or to their fathers or to some other relation I will no longer be a mother. I will be a former foster parent. And some how, some way, life will go on. And that will be my sacrifice.

Ups and downs

Hallelujah, Lenten Prayer Buddies! I joked on JBTC's post that someone will strike pay dirt when I offer up my situation for them!

I had a major meltdown last night when Yogi was having a meltdown. I called Nate, our CW, and sobbed that I didn't think I could do it any more. Nate talked me down and assured me that Yogi would be getting the help he needs very, very soon.

Yogi is going to be evaluated by our local mental health agency next week. This boy has some serious issues and he is escalating quickly. This week we have been hit, punched, kicked, slapped and pinched. And, he tried to kick Buddy yesterday morning. Luckily, Buddy is fast and the blow didn't strike but I got between them real quick because I was afraid Buddy would lunge in defense. Nate was here Wednesday night and he took a bit of the physical abuse, too. I am so glad he was here to witness exactly what happens when Yogi doesn't get his way and freaks out on us. He assured us we are doing everything right but this child just completely looses touch with reality.

So far, Boo Boo is not exhibiting any of the same behaviors as his brother on his own. Unfortunately, it is "monkey see, monkey do". If he sees big brother acting out he starts to follow suite. We try to get Boo Boo away as quickly as possible until we can divert Yogi. Yesterday morning was such a struggle to get Yogi ready for school that Boo Boo was pretty much left to his own devices. He ate cold cereal in front of the TV while I fought for half an hour to get Yogi out of bed and dressed. I feel like I nag him all day long. Away from his brother, Yogi has been great. Together is when the trouble starts. The poor child is starved for attention and acts out wickedly to get it!

I told Nate that honestly he shouldn't feel bad if the boys do get separated. I think it would be good for Boo Boo to be away from Yogi. His influence is detrimental to Boo Boo.

I had better run. Yogi is sleeping like an angel but E and Boo Boo just got home from a parental visit. Boo Boo's dad made it to visitation but Yogi's couldn't get a ride so we hung out together. He didn't say a word about Boo Boo seeing his dad and him not. I'm sure it will manifest somehow over the weekend!

They're still with us

Oh my gosh you guys! Thank you so much for your prayers, your advice and your support! I am overwhelmed. I thought for sure you'd all abandon me since I hadn't posted in so long!

They boys are still with us. When I left for work yesterday morning I planned on calling our CW. That was where we were at. E sent me a text asking me what I wanted. I called and told him I wanted to keep the boys but I didn't want him to be miserable. I told him we would do whatever we needed to do to keep us both happy. He said he felt guilty and he didn't want to hurt me. I told him not to feel guilty and that we wouldn't even be in this boat if I had a functioning uterus! So if he didn't want to keep the boys, we'd be even. We'd move forward and live our lives. We were happy before the boys came and we would be fine in the end. He said to hold off calling the CW.

Yogi had a snow day yesterday and it was E's day off so he had both of the boys at home with him. E and Yogi made no-bake cookies together. Then they all went outside and the boys played while E worked in his garage. He didn't make them take naps and they watched Batman together. They all had a great day. Bedtime was awesome last night. Boo Boo was exhausted due to no nap so I put him in bed just before 7. Yogi stayed up watching the rest of Batman with E and went to bed fine at his usual bedtime of 7:30. Boo Boo was sound asleep by the time Yogi went to bed so there was no struggle. It was the perfect bedtime routine I had always dreamed of. I think we're figuring things out.

All in all the three of them had a great day. The visit with mom was cancelled for last night due to school being cancelled. The boys were bummed but they had such a good day with E it sort of made up for it.

I really think the issues E is having is a bonding thing. Maybe his heart is a little more guarded than mine. I keep saying I'll love them for as long as I can. I think he's thinking he'll love them when and if they get to stay.

Thank you again for all your prayers and well wishes. I don't know where this all will lead but I am feeling a lot better over all. E is switching crews at work, too, to get away from a stressful coworker. I keep praying that this will all work out the way God intends for it to.

Bad, very very bad

Sh!t. I don't usually swear but that is all I can think this morning. We had a rough evening last night. The rough times are coming so much more frequently now. The swearing is because my husband, in the midst of our third bedtime battle in a row, said he wants the boys moved. Out. of. our. house. He hates being a dad. He hates taking care of them.

I am crushed. Absolutely crushed. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. He said he deals with this crap all day long at work with the inmates and he can't do it at home too. He wants his life back. He wants "our" life back. He does not ask what I want. He wants the boys out of our house, his life and my life.

Oh my God. I have to call our caseworker this morning and ask that the boys be moved. I have to call our adoption case worker and tell her to forget it. The past 14 years of trying for a baby, trying to adopt, fostering, all of it has been an exercise in futility. My husband hates being a father. And all I ever wanted to be was a mother. Sh!t. Why? Why? Why me? Why him? Why US???

I have to respect his wishes. He's my husband. But does he have to respect mine? Do I sacrifice his happiness for mine? Does I sacrifice my happiness for his? I don't see a way to compromise this time.

I admit it has been a struggle. It hasn't been all cuddles and giggles. It's been screaming and kicking and hitting and fighting. It's been time-outs and discipline. But it has been fun, too. And the fun times have given me a glimpse of what our life would be. My husband has turned a blind eye to a future with children. A bright future.

It's funny. We were going to be setting up counseling for Yogi but now I think we'll be the ones needing it.

A lot to say, sorry!

Sorry this is so long! Not that I think any of you will be here to read it, LOL! I bet you've all given up on me!

I am still here, yes I am! Busy as can be and trying to stay sane! I miss having time to read and comment on your posts. I scan the blog roll to see what's up and sometimes I have time to read your posts. I didn't even know Sew went private until yesterday for cripes sakes!

We are still taking care of these boys. We had our first visit to ER in the middle of the night two weeks ago. Both of the boys had cold-like symptoms but no fever. We were doctoring them with toddler cold medicine, vicks, a humidifier and extra pillows. Little Boo Boo's cough and congestion kept getting worse and worse and on Wednesday night he was coughing and vomited up phlegm. Nice visual, I know, but that was enough! E loaded him in the truck and off to ER they went. Come to find out he had ear infection and bronchitis. Mother of the year, right here. I completely missed it but he had no complaints about his ear. And they had only been sick for a couple of days. E took Yogi to the doctor the next day and, sure enough, he had ear infection too. So they both had a round of antibiotics and are doing much better now.

They had their first visit with their dads three Fridays ago. It went good except for the fact one daddy brought gifts and the other did not. Of course, it was the little one, Boo Boo, that didn't get a gift. Try explaining that to a 2 year old. We ended up heading to the store the next day to get the exact same toy for Boo Boo.

They also had a visit with their mom last Monday. We had some regression from the eldest, Yogi, which I believe was due to that visit. Regression, as in he went to a place he has never been in the time he's been with us. As in wetting, open defiance, fighting to get him to bed at night, fighting to get him up in the morning, fighting at meals, getting in the car, getting on the school bus.....etc, etc. Yesterday he was in the time-out chair 4 times. 4 times! That is a new record for this house. I feel like all day is a constant battle. He hasn't been napping so we try to get them in bed at 7:30. Last night it was closer to eight because we watched a movie. He would not settle down. He gets physical now when he doesn't want to do something. Physical as in kicking and hitting. I wrested him into his pull-up and jammies. Couldn't get close enough to kiss him good night. Then he started kicking the mattress and saying he would not sleep. Rather than telling him to stop, which would never work, I grabbed my phone and sat on the floor reading my book and cheering him on. Telling him to kick harder, faster, don't stop! It lasted about 20 minutes and it wasn't as fun with me cheering him on. He said he didn't want to do it anymore and in 10 minutes he was asleep. Yelling doesn't work. Taking away toys and favorite cartoons doesn't work. I am figuring out little by little what does and doesn't work. It's all trial and error.

What bugs me the most in that little brother, who is a pretty good little boy, emulates big brother's behavior. When he sees big brother become belligerent, and believe me, a 4 year-old can be belligerent, he becomes belligerent. Last night he decided kicking the mattress and telling me he wouldn't go to sleep was fun, too. He only kicked for a couple of minutes but it got him wound up enough that he was awake until after nine. This is so much fun! Not. I got our foster training manual out this morning. It's actually a 3-inch binder. I am hoping I will find some practical advice to get us through these major bumps. I am also starting a notebook on both of the boys. I am going to journal every days activities. Keep track of everything and try to document a pattern. I should have done this from the start but I just didn't think of it. Everything happened so darn fast. I don't have time to do this journal but I have to make time. Even if it means staying up half an hour later at night.

They are now going to see Mom every Monday for 1 1/2 hours. They are going to see Dad every other Saturday for 4 hours. That will start next Saturday. They are going to see 2 of their siblings when they see Mom. We are trying to work out a visit time with their middle brother sometime but so far it hasn't happened. I know with each visit things will get worse. I am preparing for it. I am hoping after a few weeks of this visit schedule things will start to improve. That is what I am praying for.

This has been hard, so very hard. I knew it would be but I had no idea of the level of difficulty we would face. I am dealing with attitudes and behaviors I have never seen in my life. And that's just talking about the kids. Don't get me started on the mother and the 4 fathers. My life as I knew it is wiped off the map. I started this post on the 11th and here I am actually posting it over a week later.

I don't know where this placement is going. We had a prelim on Thursday and Mom has decided to take it to trial. I am not sure if it will be a bench trial or a full-jury trial. Either way, her rights could be terminated. We should find out this next week when the trial will be. The fathers are trying to get custody of the boys. I know Boo Boo's dad has had a home visit by the state's social worker. I am not sure about Yogi's dad. He was in a half-way house but was trying to find permanent housing. Our prosecutor does not want the boys with their dads. He prosecuted Boo-Boo's dad's case a few years ago and I think he is holding a bit of a grudge. He openly admits he doesn't have much use for either of the fathers.

So for now our lives, and the boys lives, are in limbo. I hate how the kids have to see their parents whether it will hurt them or not. It takes several days for us to gain back our footing and then they go for a visit and slip right down again. I am so wishing that I wasn't working or I could at least reduce my hours. I can't do that right now because of two pregnant girls. The one had her last day Friday. She's due on the 26th but she's dilated to 3 and I don't know what percentage effaced(sp). She'll be having that baby any day. The second girl is due March 10th but she plans on working right up until she goes into full-on labor. So I cannot leave my office in a lurch right now.

Sorry this is so long! Not that I think any of you will be here to read it, LOL! I bet you've all given up on me!