Going down

I am really struggling right now.  Every day lately seems to bring bitterness and disappointment. Yes, even I, the 13+ year veteran of infertility survival still gets down. And I am down right now. It takes all I have to hold it together lately.

We found out yesterday that the kids visits with mom will be increasing starting next week. They're talking 4 to 8 hours, some overnights, all unsupervised with the occasional pop-in of a caseworker to make sure all is okay. Yep, they're preparing to send the boys home to mama. Not sure when it will happen. Probably not at the August 18th hearing but probably sometime in the next 90 days. Looks like I'll be having some very sad holidays.

And last night I found out my uncle, my mom's oldest brother, has prostate cancer. The latest biopsy shows that it is the aggressive type. Please send up some prayers for him. They plan on removing his prostate and we hope and pray that the cancer hasn't already spread. He's just 63 and newly retired. His son-in-law just returned from 1 year in Afghanistan and we were all so excited for him to come home safe. Now, we all have this to deal with.

And today the first text I get from my hubby is to tell me his newly wed coworker is pregnant. That's what I want to read the minute I get out of bed. A pregnancy announcement. I am bracing myself for the deluge of announcements that will be following. The announcements always come in packs. Like wolves.

So this is where I sit on a beautiful Friday morning. Trying to go about my life like all is normal but knowing that things are going to change any day and not in a good way. I don't think my husband will want to foster again. And, he hasn't enjoyed parenting these boys. Adoption is up in the air now. I am at the edge of a precipice not knowing which way I will fall. Backwards or forwards. On solid ground or into the unknown canyon below. I've had a taste of parenting and I know I want to be a mother. I am good at it. My hubby is good at it. I just wish he wanted to do it.

Vacation!

I am posting this from our annual vacation spot up north! I've been awake since 6, hubby since 4. It's so hard to get off the work schedule. I'm sitting in bed with my netbook and a cup of coffee. E is outside sitting by a fire and my boys are still sleeping. We enjoy this silence because it is so short lived!

We arrived on Wednesday afternoon, late, and we are having a blast. Right now we have 4 campsites. Us, my cousin and his two boys and two sets of my aunts and uncles and their kids. Another aunt and uncle and cousin are arriving today and my parents are coming tomorrow. My only single uncle is coming too at some point but we're not sure when. Just 7 campsites this year compared to 10 or 11 previous years. We'll still have a great time even with some missing.

The kids have been pretty good; just a few spats and spouts here and there. Yesterday my cousin and aunt and uncle and hubby went shopping in a bigger town about 25 minutes away. I stayed at the campground with 7 kids ages 13 and under. Wowza, yep I'm awesome. I really only saw 4 of the kids, my two and my two girl cousins. The boys were playing video games and kept to themselves. I fed the 4 I had lunch and then we colored and blew bubbles. After the adults came back we took all the kids to the pool. D started swimming a little bit underwater! He amazes me so often. Then, we were walking back to our campsite (it's probably a 1/4 mile or so) and D started to run. He ran almost  the entire distance! I think we may have a track or cross country runner in our midst!

Last night we walked to the camp store for ice cream. The boys had push pops for the first time ever. I wish I could post pictures of those two because their messy faces were hilarious! Today we are taking our boats out for a day on the water. This is the only day where all of us will fit in the two boats. Once the others arrive we'll do just little rides taking turns on the lake.

We had some pretty deep conversation around the fire last night. My cousin smokes and we were giving him a bit of the hard time about it. We talked about how bad smoking is all around. He knows this but he's so darn stubborn! We also talked about his kids and how he should be protecting them from all that he can including watching their father die from cancer. This coming from me, the only one in our group who has watched a loved one, my dad, die from smoking induced cancer. Then the conversation turned to abortion and I was shocked to find out my aunts are prochoice. Oh. My. Gosh. I about fell out of my chair. My one aunt is an RN and she gets her perspective from the medical side of things. Women with illnesses, rape victims, disabled children, yada yada, yada, a woman should choose whether she wants to give birth. My other aunt feels the same way but for different reasons, reasons she really couldn't give support to other than that she doesn't want anyone telling her what to do, period. My smoker cousin and I were on the same side for this one agreeing that at the moment of conception there is a person. A human. A soul. It was a bit heated for a bit but we all came away as friends and family and agreeing to disagree. Additionally, my RN aunt conceived her boys through IVF (even though she and my uncle are both Catholic) and I didn't even go there because things were heated enough for a time. I do wonder if she had any frozen embryos left over.

As it stands we all agreed we are fairly intelligent people who are ignorant in our own ways who have much to learn about many things. Clear as mud, right? I love my family and wouldn't trade any of them away. My aunt came over to me and told me how much she loves me and said she'd give anything for me to be able to experience being pregnant and parenthood without all the BS I've been through. Even being prochoice she's sweet and considerate to me.

Cripes, this is a ridiculous amount of rambling about nothing. Maybe I can think up a much more coherent post later on in the vacation!

Please pray!

I am not sure if this has made national news or not as I don't have time to watch but this is what is going on in my neck of the woods: http://abcnews.go.com/US/baby-kate-missing-frantic-search-michigan-infant-believed/story?id=13971626 and http://www.mlive.com/news/muskegon/index.ssf/2011/07/post_128.html.

Please pray for this baby. I have put off posting this because I had hoped she would be home quickly but days are passing with no tangible leads. This has rocked our little community.

A different kind of waiting

C's dad was denied custody. The FOC wants to wait and see what happens with Mom's next hearing in August. So, they'll both be with us for 2 more months at least! This waiting so resembles TTC! We just live in 60 to 90 day time frames rather than 2 week ones.

I'll be okay....

I seriously have only 5 minutes or so so I'll make this short and sweet. C's dad has a custody hearing tomorrow (Thursday) at 4pm with Friend of the Court. If he wins, C will be leaving us. I have mixed emotions. In my mind I have known that these boys most likely won't become available for adoption. I have kept myself somewhat detached. There were several times, times that were rough, where I thought to myself that I couldn't wait until they leave. I think it's been a defense mechanism or something. Then there are times, times when my heart takes over, when I think I want them to stay forever. I have to remind myself that they are not my children and they most likely never will be.

Family, friends, acquaintances - they all ask if I'll be okay if the boys leave. Yes, I will be okay. God has seen to it that I am always okay. I won't ever be the same, but I'll be okay. I'll let you know how things turn out tomorrow. It may not be for a few days because I may be packing up a little boy to move on. Say a prayer for him, that whatever happens is what is best for him. Only God knows and I hope he shares his wisdom with a certain judge tomorrow.

Having a rough go of it

Our family is having a rough go of it lately and we could use your prayers.

I found out Wednesday night that my step-dad has a mass on his left kidney. He wasn't feeling good up camping last weekend, sore throat and such, but he thought it was just a cold. On Tuesday he was running a fever of almost 103. My mom finally got him to go to the ER Tuesday night and it was there that she found out he hadn't been able to urinate on and off since Sunday. He wasn't too worried about it since sometimes some foods and drinks enlarge his prostate. (He's almost 61 and evidently men get these issues?) Usually he just has to stop eating or drinking whatever it is and everything goes normal again. His sore throat and fever ended up being strep throat but the doctor was worried about the peeing issue so he ordered a cat scan. That is when they found the mass. They are scheduling a high resolution cat scan that should show whether the mass is cysts or a tumor. We are all praying for cysts.

This man has been in my life my whole life. He and my dad were best friends right up until my parents divorced. Then my mom married him. They have been married for almost 25 years. He is now my dad. I was so lucky to have two dads who would do anything for us. This man never tried to take the place of my dad, he was just there right when we needed him. I hope he still will be for a long time to come.

The other issues, which I haven't had time to write about, are with four of my mom's eight brothers. The first uncle to have a health issue almost died a few weeks ago. His heart completely stopped at work and if the guy that he was working with hadn't had previous heart trouble and hadn't known what to do he would be dead. He ended up needing a pacemaker/defibrillator and he is doing great now.

The second uncle has had prostrate trouble for years (it runs in the family). He went in for a procedure to cauterize the prostate and the doctor ended up piercing his bladder. He needs to use a catheter for the foreseeable future. Then he ended up with an E-Coli infection from the procedure and has been on IV antibiotic infusions for the last 10 days.

The third uncle, one who is very close to me in age and I am great friends with too, had neck surgery on Tuesday. He had disks that were ready to rupture so they removed the disks and replaced them with cadaver parts. I call him Cadaver-Dog now. Praise the Lord, he came home Wednesday and is doing great! He has some discomfort from the incision but no neck or nerve pain.

The uncle with the pierced bladder and another uncle need to have the same surgery that C-Dog just had. Bad necks and backs also run in the family.

Can you see why it's been so rough? The stuff going on with the boys and their mom are small beans compared to everything else. I feel like I should just spend an entire day on my knees in prayer and praise but I have way too many responsibilities. Instead, I find myself reaching up constantly and gripping the cross I wear with my St Gerard medal. The way things have gone if we just hold on to hope and faith and love and trust, it has all worked out okay. I hope that trend continues.

Guilty as charged

I only have a couple minutes so I want to quickly let you know how court went. Mom lost. She was found guilty on all the items in the petition. However, reunification is still the goal. They will schedule another hearing in about 90 days. They have also granted C's dad unsupervised visits once a week BUT he lives 4 hours away. We'll have to transport C half way. That means C will spend 8 hours in the car every weekend. That also means D will have to spend 8 hours in the car on the weekends my hubby works. I don't mind the driving but it sucks that we don't get mileage for these trips. I also hate that we'll be running so much. Mom will be getting a 2nd visit each week, possibly in her home. So that is 3 parent visits in 7 days, one an overnighter. 4 days of transporting. And we both work full time.

My hubby says enough is enough. He hates the system, hates how much of this is dumped on the foster parents. He hates the constant juggling.  The kids are horrible for 2 days after seeing their mom. Now we get to deal with it twice a week. He wants the kids moved, wants his life back. In a way I do too but I'm not sure how my life will go on with a hole in my heart.