Sh!t. I don't usually swear but that is all I can think this morning. We had a rough evening last night. The rough times are coming so much more frequently now. The swearing is because my husband, in the midst of our third bedtime battle in a row, said he wants the boys moved. Out. of. our. house. He hates being a dad. He hates taking care of them.
I am crushed. Absolutely crushed. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. He said he deals with this crap all day long at work with the inmates and he can't do it at home too. He wants his life back. He wants "our" life back. He does not ask what I want. He wants the boys out of our house, his life and my life.
Oh my God. I have to call our caseworker this morning and ask that the boys be moved. I have to call our adoption case worker and tell her to forget it. The past 14 years of trying for a baby, trying to adopt, fostering, all of it has been an exercise in futility. My husband hates being a father. And all I ever wanted to be was a mother. Sh!t. Why? Why? Why me? Why him? Why US???
I have to respect his wishes. He's my husband. But does he have to respect mine? Do I sacrifice his happiness for mine? Does I sacrifice my happiness for his? I don't see a way to compromise this time.
I admit it has been a struggle. It hasn't been all cuddles and giggles. It's been screaming and kicking and hitting and fighting. It's been time-outs and discipline. But it has been fun, too. And the fun times have given me a glimpse of what our life would be. My husband has turned a blind eye to a future with children. A bright future.
It's funny. We were going to be setting up counseling for Yogi but now I think we'll be the ones needing it.
Long overdue final update (such a good one)!
3 months ago
10 comments:
I'm really, really saddened to hear this, but I wanted to give you support and let you know that you are picking one of the harder jobs to do. Fostering is difficult and there is a reason many people are not so selfless as to do it! You are doing something truly amazing and please do not be so hard on yourselves if it doesn't work out.
I will be fervently praying for you guys and hope that the frustration passes and that you're granted the patience to make a good decision for your family that incorporates both of your needs. Hugs.
I am so sad for you. All I can say is that parenthood is not all fun and giggles and is the hardest job in the world. It causes so much stress on a marriage. Not just with foster children, even with newborns. They demand 24/7 attention and it rocks your world to have to adjust to this.
The situation that you are in is different because YOU GUYS have a choice. You can give them back. Most parents feel like they would love to "give them up" at times, it is not a choice, so you just press on through it and take every day as it comes.
I worry for your marriage, because I know that I would be tempted call it quits in my marriage if my husband decided he didn't want our daughter anymore.
Praying for God's grace for you!
I am so sorry. And I can sort of relate on a very small scale. We all have that painful dying to self when kids enter the picture. But we do it out of love. I think it is easier for the women to instantly love the children and for her motherly insticts to kick in. For a man, I think it is different, harder. I can imagine having older children that aren't your biologically, especially those with difficult background, would magnify this (take longer for the man to bond and want to be totally giving of time and self). My dh is doing alright, but he is cranky at times, and I am grateful he doesn't have the option to say "give them back" on a bad day. I have to remind him, we have a newborn, we are learning to parent two right now, it is winter/flu season and we can't leave the house as much right now. But it will get better with time. We are getting used to this, learning. It makes me wonder, for your dh, if it will just take some time? He may just need to feel validated, feel he has some control over the situation, it all may just be too fast for him to keep up. It may feel like this impacts everything now (parenting in general for the two of you as a couple), but it may settle down after he has a bit of time to think about things. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. I will definitely pray about this situation!
I hope you don't mind this advice but I don't think adopting a child or having your own child is the same as fostering. NO, I think fostering is a special call of its own...and just because a family can't or doesn't want to deal with the brokenness of another family's dysfunction doesn't mean one does not want to be a mother or father.
I never have felt called to foster parenting.
Ever. And, this is coming from someone who once lived in foster care--twice.
But, I do feel called to parenting my OWN child.
You tried it! You are amazing. That's what I have to say.
You gave it a shot. You gave them ALOT already.
Don't feel bad or regretful and don't leap to conclusions about parenting in general.
Your husband sounds tired and so do you!
You both do deserve to get your peace and tranquility back!
As hard as it was to hear, it sounds like your dh has been harboring these feelings and he just had to let you know...it is a tough situation...but he had to be honest. I will keep you and your dh and those boys in my prayers.
Oh, praying for you hard tonight. So sorry you are going through this.
Oh no, I am heartbroken to read this. I will send prayers your way and will offer up my upcoming surgery struggles for you.
I am just so sorry.
My heart is breaking for you. I too think it's a bonding issue...it's just plain harder for men.
I'm so sorry! I will pray for the 4 of you.
Oh my goodness that stinks. :( I am so sorry. You know though, I have to wonder if it might be different with a newborn or a small child in an adoption situation rather than a foster to adopt.
I feel like you are being faced with a whole set of challenges that I know that I have never faced in my 3 years of parenting.
You are not only trying to be the best parents you can be to these boys, but you are also trying to overcome the very difficult circumstances that these boys have been raised in.
You and your DH are in my prayers!
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