Port au Prince

I am hurting from the horrible earthquake in Haiti. Our church helps support the School of the Infant Jesus and the Provincial House orphanage in Port au Prince, Haiti. I am pained thinking of the devastation to those children. I have never been on a mission to the school and orphanage but many from our church have including my best friends mother. She had spoke many times to us about possibly adopting from Haiti. She herself has wanted to bring children home from her trips to visit the school and orphanage. The time just hasn't been right for us. When will it be? If we had adopted from Haiti one less child would have died yesterday. The devastation is beyond any scope of my imagination. The darkness, the fear, the cries to be rescued and then the silence. I cannot fathom their loss, their pain both physical and mental. My heart truely goes out to all affected by this disaster and my prayers go to heaven. Now, I need to do more. Now is the time.

Well, shoot....

Darn it.





I think tomorrow will be CD1.




That bites.



I was so hoping I'd get a BFP for my birthday.......

My Two Sons

What glorious sunshine we are having this weekend! Two whole days of sunshine has given me so much energy. Yesterday I finally had the chance to take down the Christmas things. I had two three day weekends in a row but I had so much going on I barely had time to do a little vacuuming. This weekend my DH is working so it's just me and the boys cleaning things up! Living in an 80 year old house with forced air heat and having 2 yellow labs means I need to vacuum every day. Not that I do vacuum every day but I should. I have thought about getting a robovac. Clean while I'm at work, right?

Here are a couple of photos of my boys:

My Maximo

My Buddy Boo Bear

Those were taken on two separate camping trips in 2007 and 2008. They basically look the same today except Buddy doesn't have the funky left eye. He was recovering from a bee sting when that photo was taken. We got Buddy at 8 weeks old back in 2005. We got him right after I miscarried, before my precious Grampa passed away and before my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed away. Buddy and I have been through a lot together and he has never left my side during it all. I remember sitting on the kitchen floor when I got the call about Grampa. Buddy was right there with me, licking my tears away with his little puppy tongue. He gave me joy at that moment, reminding me Grampa was now in heaven with Jesus and my grandma and all his siblings and his death should be a celebration of a full life. Four months later when Dad was diagnosed with small-cell carcinoma I spend a lot of time away from home. I went to my dad's every day after work and wouldn't get home until late. Buddy was always waiting at the door when I walked in. Always waiting for a snuggle while I cried over my father's suffering. My father's illness was short compared to most. The cancer took him in just over three months.

Max came to us in 2007. He and Buddy are brothers from the same litter. Max's owners split up and he went back to the breeders who are friends of ours. They asked if we would be willing to take him and after meeting him we said yes. Max was abused and neglected. He has some real issues we have had to work on over the years. Even at four years old he still eats stuff. He is such a counter surfer! I have started setting mouse traps to train him to quit snooping on the kitchen counter. Last week, before I started setting the traps, he ate the cover off a cookbook. He'll eat anything. But in all other ways he has improved so much and I have to say he is a pretty good dog. I love both my boys and I don't know what I'd do without them.

Well, I'm off. I've already scrubbed my bathroom, changed the bedding, done several loads of laundry and written this post but there is still much to do today. Like plop in the recliner and sew on the embroidered baby quilt top I am making. So far I am not making for anyone but it is fun to do. I am past the point where it hurts to make baby things. Have a beautiful Sunday, everyone!

Getting older

I am nearing the end of this cycle's two week wait. Or, maybe I'm not! I took a break from the ovulation monitor, clomid and progesterone this month. I did continue to chart my temps, though. So far I have had no spotting and my bb's are tender but different than they have ever been before. The months I was on progesterone they were too sore to even touch. Now they are just tender and very sensitive. I have felt pretty good but I have not been sleeping great. I am good for about four hours but then I get really restless. I have had some very strange dreams as well. I am just praying that this is the month!!!! Please God, if it is your will, let this be our month to conceive! Let 2010 be the year we become parents! I am going to be 36 in three weeks. My hubby will be 38 in seven weeks. If it is ever going to happen it has to be soon. Otherwise we'll be too darn old!

In the Hands of God

It's a new year and I'm not sure where I'm at. Eleven years is a long time to keep this fight up and I'm not sure I have it in me anymore. The procedures and charting and testing and meds - I think it's just too much for me. I'm not giving up but I am putting this all in God's hand. Blood work says there is nothing wrong hormonally. The HSG shows my tubes are clear. My cycles are normal. Clomid didn't help a bit. DH's second SA came back just fine. I won't do IUI or IVF. There is really nothing left for me to do but pray. I put this completely in God's hands. If we are meant to have a baby, he'll make it so.

It's winter here in the great north and I think that has me down. We took a drive yesterday about 1 1/2 hours south and the sun was shining there. Where I live we got 15 inches of snow in 2 days. It's been so gray and cold. I am hoping we'll get a little break from the cold temps and the wind so I can get back to walking after work. Wind chills of zero or below are no fun to walk in.

I know I'll snap out of this funk that I'm in. It's just the after holiday blahs and the winter doldrums. Maybe it's the impending birthday. 36 this year. Getting old and set in my ways. Maybe God knows I'm not meant to be a mother. He doesn't answer all our prayers. He knows what is best and I'll just roll with the tide.

Once a month and bad news on the sperm front

I seem to be turning in to a once a month or worse blogger. It's not that I don't want to write, it's just that I don't have the energy when I get home from work to set down and put my thoughts out there. My mind is at the races all day long, 5 days a week and, quite frankly, I am exhausted! I wonder if I would have the energy for a child if I was so blessed as to get pregnant.

I have decided I am putting way too much thought into my posts therefore the task becomes daunting. My posts will be short and sweet and written journal style. Maybe I'll be more apt to post regularly.

We found out Monday that we have some male-factor issues in addition to my endometriosis. This came as a shock to us. My DH was tested years ago and there were no issues with his sperm. Suddenly, he has low motility and inflammation. My ob/gyn suggested that he go to a urologist. He went Thursday to the new doctor that is with his family doc and the new doctor was very encouraging. He believes there are things we can do to improve the motility without going to a urologist. The first thing DH needs to do is loose some weight. The docs words, not mine. He needs to eat better, more fruits and veggies, and exercise more. I also ordered and already received a vitamin supplement for male fertility issues. It is supposed to help make more and better quality sperm. We're doing another SA on Monday and we'll see what those results are. Maybe it was just a flook. My husband has had epiditimitus a few times and maybe he had a flare up at that time.

In other news, my monitor did not detect ovulation this month even though I am taking Clomid. Hmmmm. I did appear to have a thermal shift, however. It could be that the surge was either very light or happened so quickly the monitor could not pick it up. Whatever. With male factors we were unaware of, what does it matter? I am not even taking progesterone this cycle. I am feeling very cynical about this entire cycle. Depending on the results of the SA next week I may skip a cycle or two of clomid. I am on cycle day 21, post peak 5 or 6. I had some strange, up and back down temps so the shift is quite ambiguous. Not sure when it happened.

Well, that's it for now. Not much else going on. Same old story......

One week down, one to go!

I am 8 dpo today. I hate the 2 week wait. Actually, this month I hope for a 2 week wait. Even 12 days will be an improvement on my luteal phase. I did my first round of Clomid this cycle trying to lengthen my LP. It did delay ovulation by about 5 days making me ovulate on day 17. It really screwed up my fertility monitor, though. My monitor normally has me start testing on day 5 so I had used 10 sticks before I even went peak. Then I had to use another 10 sticks because the monitor doesn't test is batches smaller that 10. I could have stopped after I ovulated but then I would have had an uneven number of sticks and who wants that? My OCD just wouldn't allow that!

I am experiencing some strange things this month. I don't know if it is due to the Clomid or if I am having a really good cycle and this is how I should be. I have had really sore boobs since 5 dpo and I had a terrible time sleeping several nights this past week. I also have a terribly stuffed up nose. I am peeing an awful lot, too. The sore boobs could be from the progesterone. I started taking that on cycle day 18, or 1 dpo. The sleeplessness could have been from the stuffy nose. It's been one night on, one night off for a decent nights sleep. I can't explain the peeing unless again the progesterone is making me retain water but I don't feel bloated. Just plain weird. They could be very early pregnancy symptoms but I am really trying to not get my hopes up. Been through this too many times.