I had a party this morning. Not a big one, just myself in attendance. I suspect the devil tried to enter, too, but I locked the door and wouldn't let him in. It was a pity party. A huge, slobbery, snotty pitty party.
Just yesterday I was telling an older couple I was doing a closing for that I was fine. I was being patient and trusting God in this whole process. I told them adoption was God's plan A all along and I just didn't know it. I told them how smooth the whole process has been and that we expect to be matched at any day. I was shining, radiant in my faith. I have wonderful family and terrific friends who are all praying for us and for our future children. I was totally trusting God in his plan for us.
Well, minutes after I got out of bed this morning, the other shoe fell. It started with an e-mail from Birthmom's mother, a coworker of E's, with a link to a list of children in the US waiting for adoption. My mind went into overdrive. If she was sending us that link, it meant her daughter has decided. She decided not to put her baby up for adoption. Or, maybe she didn't choose us. Why wouldn't she choose us? Birthmom was meeting with her CW yesterday and my CW said we should hear something shortly after. Then, my mind went into hyper-drive and it turned into an all-out panic attack. We'll never be parents. What will we do? How will we live? Why is God doing this to us? If we're not going to be parents, what are we supposed to be doing?????
It took a few minutes and half a dozen tissues but I manages to reel it in. I turned on my favorite Christian music station and took a breath. I kicked the devil out off my block and brought Christ back into the picture. I realized the stress of work, the upcoming childless Christmas, the prospect of spending an entire weekend with at my BIL's with their three wonderful children, the ever growing pregnant bellies at work, the endless wait and weeks of hearing nothing on any child.....it's getting to me. I think we should go away for Christmas....just the 2 of us.
I HAVE TO TRUST GOD!!!!I am struggling. And so help me, if my coworker stands next to be rubbing her belly today, I am afraid I will loose it! God, give me strength not to loose it in front of the 2 pregnant bellies today!!!! Oh man, and it's only Wednesday.......
Long overdue final update (such a good one)!
3 months ago
6 comments:
I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say. I still pray daily for you and for your little one wherever he/she may be.
Oh M, I am very sorry for your rotten day. It is so interesting the littlest things that can one off (at least in my case). Yes, things can be going swimmingly and then all our best laid plans or intentions get upended. Your pain is coming through clearly and I just want to reach through the computer screen and give you a hug. I prayed for you at adoration tonight. Let us walk together this sometimes painful road to Bethlehem. There is always one child that is waiting for us to love him this time of year, Jesus. I am not trying to be trite, but I found that by trying to shift my focus to him this season I am not so overcome by everything else swirling around.
((Hugs))
Lots of love and prayers! -Marie
:( I am so sorry. :(
I hate these kind of days. ((hugs))
I am so very sorry....And then on top of that to have to look at a coworker rubbing her pregnant belly, bless your heart. Keep the devil at bay though, do not let despair and discouragement in, keep it at bay and keep hoping, dreaming, and praying no matter how hard it can be.
I know exactly what you are talking about...I thought adopting was God's plan for our family..it's been three years of waiting...waiting..waiting...........through lots of disappointments and pg announcements. *sigh*
Like you said..we just have to keep trusting God that this suffering is for His greater good. There is a good reason for it. I wish I could give you a comforting hug too.
Praying for you!
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